Addiction and Self-Harm

Self-harm is something that I have struggled with since I was young. Cutting started when I was 15. Self-harm is something that plays a role in my daily life. I've learned some things throughout this journey regarding self-harm and addiction. I've also recently taken a class on addiction and this has helped me realize even more reasons why self-harm is an addiction. I will outline some of these.

1) Self-harm is a form of addiction. It sends some of the same neurotransmitters that exercise does. The feel-good, pain relieving response. Once someone has started self-harming, they experience the pain-relieving endorphin response generally every time they safe harm. From then on, people who self-harm generally look for what feels like a release. I know personally, after I have self-harmed before, that once I did, I could breathe again and the tightness in my chest, my anxiety, my negative feelings about life or myself just dissipated. At least for the moment.  

2) Once someone starts self-harming, they look for the next time they can receive that "high" feeling that you get once you self-harm. Always chasing that high can mean that after a while the self-harm has to get worse (cutting deeper, pulling more hair out, etc) in order to try to get that temporary feeling of relief. This is called tolerance because things have to escalate to reach the same high that the original method did. 

3) Scientists have also found that withdrawal is a part of addiction and while this doesn't seem applicable to self-harm, it really is. One example of this is the constant urge to self-harm, especially when things get challenging. Personally, I've experienced times where my body craves the self-harm experience, to the point that I can almost physically feel myself engaging in self-harm long before I do. I describe this as my body longing for that pain because it needs that rush of endorphins. This is an example of withdrawal, 

4) Another aspect of addiction is loss of control. Many people (myself included) can lose control over the act of self-harm. Sometimes this is even counterintuitive because many times people self-harm to gain some control over their life when they feel that they can't control anything else. For me, this means that I want control over pain in my life and if I hurt myself, I'm the one hurting myself, not anyone else. It is something I can choose to do when everything around me is out of control or feels out of control. Eventually though, the self-harm gets to the point where it's no longer for coping at times, it's simply because you need the high. When I was self-harming at the worst period of my life, I went home and self-harmed on a daily basis and many times I didn't even know why. I just did it and I had no control over the thoughts and urges that came with self-harm. What I was using to gain control only led me to lose control.

5) Preoccupation is another aspect of addiction. This means that the mind is focused on it, even when not engaging in it. Many times, people who struggle with self-harm will fantasize about the next time they can self-harm and how they will act it out. This is something that I struggle with when I'm not actively self-harming. It can mean that I fantasize about how I could hurt myself in the future. Another aspect of this is dreams about self-harm. I will frequently have dreams about harming myself. This plays right into the fantasy. My subconscious thinks about hurting myself even when I'm not actively focusing on it. These dreams can be really distressing especially if I'm going through a time when I'm not self-harming. 

6) Escape or relief from negative mood. One of the biggest reasons that self-harm is so addictive is because it leads to relief from intense negative emotions. It is ultimately a coping skill. Not a healthy one, but one that many people use. It is something that causes relief from negative emotions and offers an escape from the constant anxiety, thoughts, depression, and other intense feelings. It helps for the moment. The effect rarely lasts a long period of time which is why people go back to it again and again. Ultimately, the escape from negative feelings that self-harm offers makes it addictive. 

7) Lying/Deception. Many times those who struggle with self-harm hide it from others. Even if others do know, they may hide how often they do it or how severely they do it. As a teenager, I hid my self-harm from my parents for months before I ended up in the hospital which led to my parents learning that I was self-harming. I've hid it many times depending on the situation. I've hid it from my friends, my employers, my therapist/psychiatrist many times. Lying is another aspect of addiction that falls into this. 

8) Continued Use Despite Problems. Self-harm has led for me to experience a wide variety of problems. One of which is when it has gotten so bad I've needed stitches. This means more medical care thus medical bills. Also I've had to miss work because I've had to go to the ER for my self-harm. I've experienced negative consequences in hospitals for self-harming, and yet I've still continued to do it. It's part of the addiction. Continuing to do it despite the fact that there are consequences and problems is a big indicator of its addictive nature. 

Overall, self-harm meets the qualifications for what is defined as a behavioral addiction. There is still extensive research being done around this topic and about how self-harm could be labeled as an addiction. 

Self-harm is a topic many people avoid, mainly because they don't understand it. Many people think that self-harm is a suicide attempt, when there is a big difference between the two. There are many reasons why someone would self-harm. Self-harm plays a part in daily life for people and for me personally, it's a daily battle. 

Sexual Trauma #3

#1:

    One day during the summer, my perpetrator had one of their friends over for the afternoon. It was the boy who lived next door and he was at least one year younger than my perpetrator. It started the way it generally did, with a game. This time it was truth or dare again. My perpetrator always made me pick dare. The first dare I was given was to give my perpetrator oral sex. This was the way we started this game. We did other dares that were non-sexual dares like eating dog food or stupid things like that. Then I got a dare to model naked for my perpetrator and his friend. We were in the living room at this point in the middle floor of our house. I went around the corner into the kitchen and took off all my clothes. Then I was walked like I was a model and the kitchen floor was my runway. My perpetrator laughed and acted like they thoroughly enjoyed me walking up and down the kitchen floor. It was very obvious that my perpetrator's friend was uncomfortable but he was going along with it for my perpetrator's sake. I found out later that my perpetrator tried to get their friend to do different sexual acts with them but the friend refused and pushed my perpetrator away and that ended that.
    During this experience, I felt uncomfortable and exploited. I was expected to fall right back into this like it never ended with my perpetrator. I felt like I had to play a part so to speak for my perpetrator's pleasure. I felt pressured into this. It was always a game for my perpetrator but it never was for me. 

#2: 

    Up until the age of 11 or 12, my perpetrator and I would take showers together. We often played pretend games during the shower process like playing pretend. Sometimes we would pretend that we were different animals or stuff like that. When I was 10-11, the shower games turned sexual. They started wanting to bathe each other's private area. They once again used a game to introduce it. They started with pretending that I was a dog and they were the owner and the owner had to wash the dog. They had me get on all fours, like a dog, and they pretended to use the sponge to wash me all over and when it came to my private area, they fingered me, taking as much time as they could to do it. Then we reversed roles and I was expected to wash them in the same manner, him wanting me to play with his private areas, which I did, as asked. Eventually, we ended the shower and completed the "game". This "game" took place many times over the next few weeks or months. It was never seen by my parents who never checked on us during our showers. It was the perfect way to conceal their actions. This "game" made me very uncomfortable at first, but eventually became normalized, as part of everything that was going on at the same time. 

Poems From Treatment #4

This is a poem I wrote after a conversation with my therapist at River Oaks: 

I want to scream
I want to cry
And I'm afraid if I do
I will surely die

No one sees it.
It's always hidden.
Because I've been taught
That it's extremely forbidden

I can't release
It's trapped inside
I feel alone
In ever stride

It's scary
It's bad
It'll mean
I'm just like my dad

Letting out
All my fears
Will lead to nothing
Not even tears

Nothing will come
It's too deep
I can't fall apart
I can't even weep

I want only
To let it out
But inside
There is so much doubt

Maybe one day
I'll face my fears
Of letting everything out
Of freeing my tears

I want to express
I want to let go
My scream inside
That I need to show

One day soon
Maybe I can
Let everything out
From which I have ran

I want to scream
I want to cry
Maybe some day
I'll be able to try

This is an acrostic poem I wrote:

Giving up what wasn't mine

Undoing the chains that held me down

Illuminating the possibility of believing in myself

Leaving behind what I don't deserve

Turning around and being free

This is a poem that I wrote in response to a memory that came up:

I'm broken
I'm damaged
My life is really
Hard to manage

I'm damaged
I'm broken
Much of my life
Remains unspoken

You damaged my life
That can't be fixed
All the pieces of my mind
Are completely mixed

You took full
Advantage of me
You turned me into
Someone I didn't want to be

You stole my innocence
That I can't get back
It's left me
Completely out of whack

Because of you
I feel so alone
Isolated
With no one to phone

Maybe one day
I'll find a way out
Of the flashbacks, the nightmares
That give me so much doubt

You betrayed me
You destroyed me
You made me 
Feel so lonely

Destroyed I am
Because of your behavior
My memories from childhood
I'm unable to savor

You hurt the child
Who knew no better
You took something from me
You became my debtor

You caused my pain
You caused my fear
It haunts me every day
Every month, every year

Maybe one day
You'll understand
And my heart may heal
My hurt may end

Reasons Why Sexual Trauma Was Not My Fault

One of the assignments while I was inpatient was to write a paragraph for every reason I thought the sexual trauma was my fault, discrediting it. 

Reason #1: I was the older one. 
Why it's wrong: I may have been older in age, however I was more vulnerable because of all the other trauma that was going on at the same time. My parents were physically and emotionally abusing me at the same time which created an unsafe environment for me. Because of this, there was no safety for me and it affected my development. It made my emotional and mental age younger than I actually was. This left me to fall prey easily to any further abuse that took place. 
Today I am learning that age does not equal maturity.

Reason #2: I could have stopped it.
Why it's wrong: I knew I didn't like it and I knew I couldn't stop it or say no. I had been taught that saying no wasn't an option and that it wasn't okay to use my voice even if I didn't like what was going on or happening to me. This meant that I couldn't say no to my perpetrator when things started happening. They were the one leading it and I couldn't say no to them. I didn't know how to say no to them or to anything I didn't like.
Today I am learning that while I was powerless then, I'm not powerless anymore. 

Reason #3: My parents knew about it and didn't do anything. 
Why it's wrong: My parents should have protected me. They should have protected my perpetrator from what they went through initially and should have provided a safe environment for them to speak up. This would have prevented (maybe) them from doing it in the first place. Then, even if it did happen, they should have protected me by providing an environment that taught me how to speak up and ask for help. Additionally, when my mom was suspicious, she should have done something and not let it continue to happen. She shouldn't have given up so easily. 
Today I am learning that just because my parents screwed up does not mean that I am screwed up. 

Reason #4: I could have controlled it. 
Why it's wrong: I didn't have any power or control to stop it. My perpetrator was the one with the power in this event, this trauma. I had no control over what was going on during this time because my perpetrator led it and I had no control over what they did to me. Because of the lack of power and control I had, I didn't let it happen. I wasn't able to stop it and if I was able, I certainly would have. But I was a child and was the powerless one in this trauma. 
Today I am learning that because I had no control, it was not my fault. 

Reason #5: I could have said no. 
Why it's wrong:  I didn't have the emotional or psychological ability to say no. I was never taught that no was an acceptable answer. In fact, I was taught the opposite. I did not have the emotional ability to say no because I did not develop it due to the other abuse and trauma that I was experiencing at that time. This trauma affected my emotion and psychological development and I never developed the ability to say no. So I couldn't say no when it was happening. 
Today I am learning that no is an acceptable answer. 

Reason #6: I could have spoken up for myself. 
Why it's wrong: I didn't know how to speak up for myself. In my household at that time, it was expected for me to be seen and not heard and there was never any option for me to speak up for myself. And even if I did say something,I would have probably been blamed by my parents because that was their go to and everything was always my fault. I had no real voice and couldn't speak up for myself even if I had the opportunity. 
Today I'm learning I have the right to speak up for myself. 

Self-Compassion Letters #2

 This was a response to my life at 15. 

Dear Kimberly,

    I want you to know how much you deserve love and care. The treatment you got from your parents was wrong. They should have protected you. The school should have protected you, instead of watching your dad abuse you right in front of them. You deserve all the validation and encouragement Mr. Mason gave you and you deserve validation and encouragement today.
    The system failed you and you deserve better. You deserve safety and you never really got it. It's hard to feel safe when everything around you isn't. You deserve to know what safety really feels like, and I understand that it's hard to experience safety when you never really got it, as a child and now want you to know that you can experience it now, as an adult.
    I also want you to hear that your life matters. You have worth, just by being human. You have made a difference in this world, just by being you. You are a kind, gentle person with a great sense of humor, even if it doesn't always feel that way. You have many people who love and care about and are in your life because they want to be. You deserve to not be given up on, like so many therapists did to you. You deserve better treatment than that and you now have access to it.
    Keep going. You got this. You can make it through any challenge that comes your way. You are strong and resilient. You are a survivor.

Sincerely,
Kimberly/Yourself

This is in response to the camping incident of sexual abuse. 

Dear Kimberly,

    I want you to know that you deserve better. You deserve protection and you never got it. You deserve love and you didn't get it. You deserve to be valued and you weren't. But you can be now. You can value yourself and hear the supportive words around you from your support system. You can protect yourself now because you have more resources now than you did as a child. You have people who support and care about you more than you even realize sometimes. You have people who love you like you should have been as a child. 
    Your parents failed you and your perpetrator. They should have been a safe space for you to talk to. They should have recognized the signs and gotten you the help you both needed. You deserve more than they ever offered you.
    It is okay to be angry at your perpetrator. It's okay to be angry at your friend. You are allowed to feel angry for how you were violated as a child. What happened was wrong and it is okay to feel angry about it.
    I want you to know that it was wrong for how you lost your innocence. It was taken from you at an age where you should have felt safe. You deserve safety. You deserved it as a child and you deserve it now. you have the power now to keep yourself safe and take back that innocence that was stolen from you. You have survived so much and come out the other side. Keep pushing forward. You got this!
    Sincerely,
    Kimberly

This letter is in response to when my parents put me on a diet and began fostering my eating disorder. 

Dear Kimberly,
    You did not deserve to be treated the way your parents treated you. It is wrong to put a child on a diet that was made for adults. You should have never ha to worry about your weight or your diet. You should have never had to worry about the latest diet plan your mom found. Counting calories or points is made for an adult, not a child. You were a child, you should have been treated like a child. You should have been worrying about school dances or friends or extra-curricular activities. You should have been able to focus on things you enjoyed instead of what you ate. You should have never had to worry solely on your body-image like being overweight was the end of the world. 
    You deserved to be uplifted by your parents, not brought down. Your body does not define who you are. I know food was used as a weapon but it doesn't have to be now. You have control now that you didn't have as a child so you don't need to restrict in order to gain control. Eating is necessary for functioning and you need it in order to work through all that you are. You are stronger than your trauma. You deserve to love yourself enough to nourish your body. You have the right to have 3 meals a day, which you never learned from your parents. You can let yourself eat now without feeling out of control. Eating is important to a healthy life and you deserve a healthy life. Focus on what you can control in your life and you will get through this. 
    Sincerely,
    Kimberly. 

Anger Letters #3

 This is a letter I wrote to my perpetrator of the sexual trauma.

Dear perpetrator,

    You have caused irreparable damage. You stole my innocence. You damaged me. You broke me even more than I was already broken. You took my vulnerability and destroyed it. You took advantage of me, for your own pleasure. 
    While I understand that you were just re-enacting your trauma, that doesn't take away your responsibility. It isn't an excuse for all the hurt you've caused. You hurt me and hurt me bad. You hurt the child who didn't know better. You used the fact that I couldn't say no and ran with it. You used the fact that I couldn't use my voice against me. You have kind of held me hostage to your wants and desires.  You took full advantage of me, a young child who couldn't stand up for herself.
    You used the living situation I had against me. You took the fact that my parents were clueless and manipulated me and led us both to manipulate my parents, covering your ass and your actions.You left me vulnerable to future hurt by other people. You caused my suffering. You caused my hurt. You caused my shame. You. And only you. And you need to face reality and own up to the shit you put me through. It won't fix or change my suffering though. That damage is irreversible. And it is your fault and your responsibility. You hurt me. And that fact will never change. I hope one day you come to realize this. 
                ~ Kimberly

To explain this next letter, I knew my perpetrator had had sexual trauma of his own before he abused me. So this letter is to the person that hurt my perpetrator.

To the person who hurt my perpetrator:

    You don't realize how much damage you have caused by hurting my perpetrator. You are the reason why I had to suffer through what I did. You started a chain reaction. You hurt my perpetrator who then went and re-enacted everything you to him and hurt me and multiple other children. You caused that plain, that hurt, that torture. It's your fault that he led to doing the things he did. You are the reason I had to suffer. How horrible of a person you are to do that to another person. You are sick in the head. He was innocent and you took that away from him. You caused a tremendous amount of pain that he didn't know how to show others than to hurt other children. You started it. So many children had to suffer because of you. You are a child abuser and you made him one. He forwarded what you did to me. I have had to suffer because of your actions. Your actions! It's your fault!
    I wish you could understand and realize everything that's happened because of what you did. You were selfish, trying to meet your needs on someone else. I mean for crying out loud. And you caused so much more pain and damage than you could have ever thought or imagined. I hope you get what you deserve and have to feel the pain that you have caused so many others. You are a shitty person and deserve to rot in hell. 
    ~Kimberly

Sexual Trauma #2

************************Trigger Warning: Sexual actions and terms***************************

These are a couple more of the experiences of sexual trauma that I had as a child. During this period of time I was 10 or 11 years old.

The first time it happened, I had a friend over during the day. We were playing, maybe watching TV or something like that. She got bored and went upstairs to play with my perpetrator. They decided to start a game of truth or dare. I'm not sure who started it but the dare became a dare to get naked. That's when I got involved. Being curious about what was going on, I went upstairs and found my perpetrator and my friend naked. They told me that they were playing truth or dare and dared me to take off all my clothes just like they were. So I did. The next dare came from my perpetrator and it was to give him oral sex. At first, it was my friend doing it but I was pushed to do it too so I did. The next dare came from my friend and it was to have sex "doggy style" between my perpetrator and I. Then my friend and perpetrator did it too and I watched. I couldn't do a dare because my perpetrator and my friend were taking turns laughing and doing more dares. We were dared to do different things including more oral sex, anal sex and vaginal sex, taking turns of who my perpetrator was going to have sex with. I felt uncomfortable throughout the process but did it anyway because my perpetrator and friend were doing it and I didn't want to be left out.
    After that, every time we played together, that friend held the experience over my head so we would do what she wanted to. 
    One day my friend said she was going to tell her mom and my perpetrator and I ran to tell my mom that she was going to say what happened and explained that it was a lie. We briefly told my mom what she was going to say, explaining what happened in a very limited and skewed way. My mom was not concerned, basically writing us off. Things never went farther than that. 

When I was in 5th grade, I had 3 really close friends and we formed a small group. We did everything together and it was not uncommon for us to have sleepovers almost every weekend. One of my friends was just a couple days older than I was, our birthdays being close during the summer. We were bunk mates during our 3 day field trip to a camp for kids that our 5th grade class took. We were really close.
    We talked about everything. She knew what was going on in my household and I knew what was going on in hers. One day she shared with me that she had been sexually abused by one of her cousin's at a family reunion. This is what I believe led to this particular day.    
    It was another weekend and my friend and I were having another sleepover. Generally, we stayed up past when my parents went to bed. It was our chance to stay up late without a bed time. 
    That night, after my parents went to bed, my friend and I were playing in my room. The main light was off and a lamp was on, so the room was somewhat dark. My friend had the idea of playing doctor and examining each other's private areas. We took turns, going back and forth. We took a baby doll and stuck each arm and leg inside us each time we took a turn. We would mess around with each other's private areas using our fingers along with the baby doll. We would take parts of it and stretch each end. I did this first and I remember after a little bit of time she said it hurt but she just let it happen. When it was my turn to go, I remember being fearful that I was going to feel pain as well and begged her not to do the same to me. She didn't, much to my relief. But went back and forth fingering each other and using the baby doll. After probably 30 minutes to an hour, we eventually stopped and went back to playing with other toys. We never talked about it again.
    I found out later, through the grape vine that she had tried to do the same thing with another one of our other friends who said no. 
    This was the first time this happened and it happened again multiple other times, including during the camping trip we had with my family.

Another incident was one day during a summer afternoon, my perpetrator and I were left to ourselves. My parents were at work so we had no supervision. My perpetrator and I were in the lowest floor of the house playing. My perpetrator decided to dare me to give him oral sex (he didn't call it that obviously) and he said that if I did it to him, he would do it back to me. I asked who would go first and we decided that I would do it first. We laid down on the carpet that was in the middle of the room and both took our pants and underwear off. I gave him oral sex and I remember feeling uncomfortable while doing it and I remember my perpetrator complaining about me hurting him because I was using my teeth too much. After my perpetrator was satisfied with what I'd done, it was my turn. So we switched places and he looked at my private area and the hair on it and decided he didn't want to give me oral sex so he fingered me for a minute and then stopped. My perpetrator said we should stop before my mom got home so we did, put our pants back on and went back to our other summer activities.