Poems From Treatment #4

This is a poem I wrote after a conversation with my therapist at River Oaks: 

I want to scream
I want to cry
And I'm afraid if I do
I will surely die

No one sees it.
It's always hidden.
Because I've been taught
That it's extremely forbidden

I can't release
It's trapped inside
I feel alone
In ever stride

It's scary
It's bad
It'll mean
I'm just like my dad

Letting out
All my fears
Will lead to nothing
Not even tears

Nothing will come
It's too deep
I can't fall apart
I can't even weep

I want only
To let it out
But inside
There is so much doubt

Maybe one day
I'll face my fears
Of letting everything out
Of freeing my tears

I want to express
I want to let go
My scream inside
That I need to show

One day soon
Maybe I can
Let everything out
From which I have ran

I want to scream
I want to cry
Maybe some day
I'll be able to try

This is an acrostic poem I wrote:

Giving up what wasn't mine

Undoing the chains that held me down

Illuminating the possibility of believing in myself

Leaving behind what I don't deserve

Turning around and being free

This is a poem that I wrote in response to a memory that came up:

I'm broken
I'm damaged
My life is really
Hard to manage

I'm damaged
I'm broken
Much of my life
Remains unspoken

You damaged my life
That can't be fixed
All the pieces of my mind
Are completely mixed

You took full
Advantage of me
You turned me into
Someone I didn't want to be

You stole my innocence
That I can't get back
It's left me
Completely out of whack

Because of you
I feel so alone
Isolated
With no one to phone

Maybe one day
I'll find a way out
Of the flashbacks, the nightmares
That give me so much doubt

You betrayed me
You destroyed me
You made me 
Feel so lonely

Destroyed I am
Because of your behavior
My memories from childhood
I'm unable to savor

You hurt the child
Who knew no better
You took something from me
You became my debtor

You caused my pain
You caused my fear
It haunts me every day
Every month, every year

Maybe one day
You'll understand
And my heart may heal
My hurt may end

Poems from Treatment #3

 These are two poems I wrote surrounding my discharge at River Oaks.

Discharge is here

It's time to get out

But why in my mind

Do I have so much doubt

Discharge means change

Change is always hard

And that to me means 

I need to put up my guard

I can't wrap my head around it

It's hard to see

That discharge is real

It's what's meant to be

The work is not done 

The struggles are not over

The pain is still there

Lurking over my shoulder

I'm worried

I'm scared

That when I get out

I won't make it out there

The fear is close

The doubt is clear

That I'll never make it

I'll just end up back here

I'm not sure I can do this

There's no one holding my hand

I have to get up on my own two feet

I'll have to stand

I'm worried 

I'm scared

That once I get out

I won't be prepared

The terror, the fear

Are constant reminders

Reminders of everything

Constantly here

Reminders of the future

Reminders of the past

I'm just not sure

How long I can last

My time here was fruitful

I did the hard work

I just wish it didn't need to end

End with no hurt

I'm afraid of the loss

That I know is about to come

That signals "put your guard up"

Or turn around and run

I'm losing someone

Someone special in my life

The first therapist I trusted

With all my pain, my strife

I feel alone

In this journey I fight

Because no one really understands 

Everything I've let come into the light

My guard goes back up

It never left me

I've let people too close

Let people see

It's fearful

It's scary

But it's something totally normal

Totally ordinary

The fear

The doubt

Continue to show themselves

Just keep coming out

I'm scared 

I'm worried

Because all of this

Seems totally hurried

I'm terrified

I'm fearful

That the outside world

Won't be nearly as cheerful

I'm still in shock

I'm still in pain

But now there is something

Something to gain

The pain I have

The struggle I run

It seems it's never over

Never completely done

This pain 

This struggle

It something I'll always have

Something I have to learn to juggle

I know healing's a process

One that never ends

It starts with me

My fences to mend

Healing never ends

There's always work to be done

But that doesn't mean

I can turn around and run

This place is safe

This place is why

I need to let go

Spread my wings and fly

Poem #2

I've been here a while

Worked on many things

But now it is time

I fly on my wings

The journey's been rough

It's been a fight

Maybe this will help me

Help me see the light

It's time for me

To enter the world

To take my first steps

My legs uncurled

The process has been good

It's helped me to see

That maybe this time

I'll be able to stand on my own two feet

I can't say

I'm not afraid

To fall back into my habits

To lose the progress I've made

I still need help 

The fight isn't over

I still need

To look over my shoulder

My eating disorder

It cannot win

I must be strong

I need to put the work in

It's such a battle

But I must win the war

My suicidal thoughts

That live in my core

Self-harms a struggle

Another one I need to face

So I can win this battle

This war, this race

My trauma is hard

It won't go away

At least immediately

It's here to stay

At the same time

Progress has been made

Some of trauma's power

Has been taken away

My trauma is real

But I'm not to blame

Now I can see

I can let go of the shame

My emotions are valid

They're safe to express

I'm able to show them

They're okay to address

Anger is normal

Anger is okay

It doesn't mean I'll turn into my dad

In any fashion, any way

My life has changed 

Even in small ways

I can take back some freedom

To conquer new days

It's time now

For this chapter to end

Time to let go 

Time to let myself mend

I know there's a loss

Of something special to me

A therapist I trusted

One who has been a key

A key to my progress

A key to my fight

But now that is over

It's time to reach a new height

I know there will be sadness

There will be pain

But I must remember

How much I gained

Now it's time 

To turn to a new page

This time is over

Time to start a new age

I've loved my time

That I spent here

But now it is over

My real life is near

I can make it outside

With all that I've learned

I'm stronger inside

There is so much I earned

Now it's time

To say goodbye

It's up to me 

I'm willing to try

I will always remember

All the good times

But it's time now

Time for me to fly

I can do this

I know I can

Today I'm ready

Ready to stand

Poems from Treatment #2

 I wrote this poem while I was struggling with my thoughts and feelings towards the end of my time at River Oaks. I felt very hopeless at the time. 

It's been a shitty day
I feel so alone
In this battle called life
I'm on my own

I want to purge
I want to self-harm
Maybe if I do
I'll raise the alarm

I'm not okay
I'm not well
I would hope
That this would be easy to tell

My journey is ending
I have to say good-bye
But all I want to do
Is to go in a corner and cry

Many things have gone wrong
One after the other
Will it continue to happen
I don't even want to bother

Isolated and in pain
Things just don't work out
There's nothing to gain
Nothing to cry about

My life sucks
It's easy to see
I have no hope in life
All I have is me

It's sad to hear
The question why
Or even a question about my life
"Do you want to die?"

Die I do want
I want to give up
I guess my answer
To the question is "Yup"

I need a break
I need a way out
Of all this pain I'm in
Is this what life's about

I'm drowning
In a sea of pain
Of suffering, of misery
I'm no longer sane

I'm done with this life
I've got more
Can the end be here?
Can I exit the door?

This next poem I wrote while I was struggling with an urge to purge

My eating disorder
It always wins
I can't handle it
It makes me tense

I feel alone in this battle
No one understands
The struggle inside of me
I feel like I'm on a different land

It's got control
It's got power
It makes me anxious
Every single hour

I can't eat
Food is bad
It's scary, dangerous
It makes me mad

It's always there
The want to purge
I can't stand it
Can't stand the urge

It is a constant thing
On whether to purge or restict
It's something I know always comes
It's easy to predict

It's every day
A constant fight
I don't know
If I'll be alright

People can help
But even then
It's my struggle 
My battle to win

But I don't know if I can
I'm in too deep
It's an uphill battle
And the hill is very steep

I wish I could
Just go back
To things before
Before it got out of whack

I feel hopeless
I always lose
This battle inside
Is not one I choose

I can't do this
I can't move forward
Will progress ever come
Is it really something to work toward

I wish people knew
So they would get it
But then they'd be miserable
Just like me a little bit

My self-esteem

It totally sucks

I wish I could hide

Wish I wasn't stuck

I'm ugly, I'm fat

This is what my head tells me

That I'll never be good enough

It's what other people see

I can't win

It's too hard

I'll always be stuck

Never escape the guard

I don't know what else to say

To make people understand

This insane mind of mine

This crazy land

My mind never stops

It always perseveres

It's been like this

For so many years

I can't live like this

Not anymore

Is there any hope for me?

Is there any door?

I want this to end

I don't see a way out

There's only one way

That's what this is ultimately about

My life doesn't matter

Only my size

That's all people see

All those who are wise

I can't do this anymore

I'm done fighting 

Can this just be over

Can we stop denying

Things will never get better

I'll always be this way

My eating disorder's not going anywhere

It's here to stay

I guess I just have to let go

No need to run

No more fighting

Give up, I'm done

Poems from Treatment #1

 I want to scream
I want to cry
But I'm afraid if I do
I will surely die

No one sees it

It's always hidden

Because I've been taught

That it's extremely forbidden

I can't release

It's trapped inside

I feel alone

In every stride

It's scary

It's bad

It'll mean

I'm just like my dad

Letting out 

All my fears

Will lead to nothing

Not even tears

Nothing will come

It's too deep

I can't fall apart

I can't even weep

I want only

To let it out

But inside

There is so much doubt

Maybe one day

I'll face my fears

I'm letting everything out

Of freeing my tears

I want to express

I want to let go

My scream inside

That I need to show

One day soon

Maybe I can

Let everything out

From which I have ran

I want to scream

I want to cry

Maybe some day

I'll be able to try

Poems/Songs - Feb/Beg of March 2015

Song written on 2/1/2015

My plans never work out

My wishes never granted

My coins never meant much

When thrown for good luck

Why is God punishing me?
Why can't I get a break?
What did I do to deserve this?

How many times will my life fall apart?
How many days will I wake up and be dark?

How many ways can a person lose everything?

How many people will get up and leave?
How many will give up on me?
How many times?
How many times will my dreams be forced to change? 

God, how many times?

My heart is hurting

Full of despair

Crying and screaming

Is there anyone there?

Everyone tells me

Life if worth it

But I can't see it

How many times will my life fall apart?
How many days will I wake up and be dark?

How many ways can a person lose everything?

How many people will get up and leave?
How many will give up on me?
How many times?
How many times will my dreams be forced to change? 

God, how many times?

Life doesn't seem worth it

The pain too much to bear

But God is with me

He is always there

How many times will my life fall apart?
How many days will I wake up and be dark?

How many ways can a person lose everything?

How many people will get up and leave?
How many will give up on me?
How many times?
How many times will my dreams be forced to change? 

God, how many times?

Oh, God how many times? 

2/10/2015 Poem

Trapping in a corner

Wanting to die

Sits a little girl

Starting to cry

All have left her

In a world of pain

With no one to care

Or help with the strain

Trapped in a corner

Sits a little girl

Trapped in her mind

In her own little world

Wishing for peace

Love and care too
Wishing for others

To show her love too

Trapped in a corner

Wanting to die

Sits a big girl 

Ending her life

Peace has arrived

Love and care too

Peace in her death

And faith in heaven too

2/28/15 Song

Why keep trying?
When the pain won't subside?
Why keep lying?

And acting everything's alright?

Why keep hiding

The pain that's too much to bear?

When there's peace in Heaven

An end in dying

No need to hide the pain?
Nothing's broken

All's wide open

No more life to live

Why keep trying?

Why keep trying?

Why keep going

When all seems hopeless?
Why keep showing

When it seems endless?

Why keep knowing

That there's no end in sight?

When there's peace in Heaven

An end in dying

No need to hide the pain?
Nothing's broken

All's wide open

No more life to live

Why keep trying?

When the paint's to hard to bear

The future's all a scare

No one to show you care

No one to show you care

When there's peace in Heaven

An end in dying

No need to hide the pain?
Nothing's broken

All's wide open

No more life to live

Why keep trying?

Ooooo..... why keep trying?
Why keep trying?

3/1/2015 Poem

The tears won't come

The pain too deep

The scars don't fade

The end in sight

The pain never ending

The scars multiplying

The tears always hiding

There's peace in dying

That's how it feels

To be stuck in darkness

To not see the light

Or even the tunnel

The tears keep running

The scars keep showing

The pain keeps growing

Where's the end in sight?

The blood keeps running

The cuts keep burning

The scars keep growing

There's no end in sight

Death is freeing

Pain is ending

Tears are flowing

Scars are glowing

Death is freeing

The peace is starting

The freedom everlasting

The pain forever gone

Poems

12/09/16 Poem
What's the point in all this?
Nothing matters.
It all leads to a sea of misery
Where waves crash hard
And storms rain down
Lightning keeps flashing
Thunder keeps rolling

Were is the break in the clouds?
The sunrise
The dawn?
Where are the clear skies that show
The new day has come?

Can we not have just 1 ray of
Sunlight today?
Or is it just gray?
Will it always be that way?

Or maybe there will be a
Break in the clouds
Just enough for us to think
Hope has been found?
For us to take a breath,
Dream a new dream
Create new things the
World has never seen

But the break never sticks around
Hope doesn't last
Dreams are broken once again
And new ideas are thrown to the trash

The sun never hangs about
The clouds come back to play
The storms are my worst nightmare
As they take my life away

Piece by piece I lose myself
To the waters of the sea
Maybe someday it will wash to shore
And reach eternity

Maybe one day I'll pass on
As pieces here and there
Put together in eternity
With my Creator there

Until then I'll fall apart
Riding each new wave
Until my mind or body gives up
And sends me to the grave

Each storm will take a piece of me
I'll never be made whole
There really is no point of this
No point to stick around

The waves keep crashing
The sun keeps hiding
The sea keeps moving
To a life of misery
Maybe one day it will swallow me whole

12/10/16 Poem
I'm sinking with no life vest
Down into the deep dark sea
Who will come to my rescue
Does anybody hear me?

I've been holding on so tight
To what I thought was hope
But now it's stripped away again
And left me with some rope

Some rope to tie around my neck
Just hoping it will break
And end all of this craziness
Just for Heaven's sake

Give this world a rest at last
For their burden will be gone
There will not be anymore of me
To continue to lead them on

A break for the world
For my deep pain
Is long overdue
And I'll be swimming with the fishes
In a sea of ocean blue

My soul will finally be at home
In the dark blue sea
The drowning will be over
As will the misery
There will be no tears to
Cry, nor pain to feel at last
Cause finally my body
Will be at rest with the past

Sitting in the dirt thinking of
A dream I once thought I had
Wishing on stars I once thought
I could see
Then reality comes to my eyes
There were no stars, there were no dreams
Just broken hearts
Crying eyes
Missing pieces from a fractured life

Empty promises
Painted faces
And a lot of lies
That's when I realized
There's no point in this life

So why go on when all you see
Is destruction and misery?
Why press on if all that's there
Is another lie and an empty chair?
Why keep pushing to the end
When all that's there is another bend?
What's the point?
This just doesn't seem right

Let this world just move on
Let her just be gone
The world would be better anyway
So let her go on her way
Swim with the fishes in a new day
No more drowning, no more pain
Just a new freedom

Move on now, just like before
She doesn't even matter anymore
Life goes on like it did
Soon enough you'll forget what she did

And life will be what it was
It will continue on like before
People come and people go
Just like the ones you used to know
Life keeps going good and bad
It'll keep moving happy and sad
We all just have to deal with the mad!

Poems and Songs I have written and kept

Over the past couple of years I have written many poems. I have posted some in various locations but never on my blog. So I have decided to try to post them in increments of 3, based on which ones I feel like posting out of my journal my my various experiences that I have been through. Some may be older. Some may be newer. It really just depends. Hope you enjoy. 

4/2/16 Song/Poem (Not quite finished)

Suicidal Thoughts
Running Through My Head
Making Me Wish
That I Was Dead

Giving me false hope
That this pain will end
But it will only pass it off
To my other friends

Die! My head screams.
Die! It's not worth it.
Die! The pain's not over.
It's a never ending pit.
Running gets you no where.
It's a brick wall that you hit.

Your tears stain your pillow
Your fight leaves your eyes
You just want to give up
And give your soul a chance to fly

Fly among the eagles
Fly among the trees
Fly into the heavens
Until you sit down at God's feet

There's a never ending battle
That you're tired of trying to fight
When you want is peace and answers
And one quiet restful night

You ask all the questions
Yet can never get any answers
To why you're stuck suffering
To why you're still here

And your fight leaves your body
You want to give up
And give your soul a chance to fly

Fly among the eagles
Fly among the trees
Fly into the Heavens
Until you sit down at God's feet
Fly above the oceans
Fly into the sky
Fly above the world
And leave it all behind
And leave it all behind.

1/24/15 Poem

I have an illness.
Its name is depression.
It paints the world black.
It feels like a dark hole.
Or a cloud that follows me everywhere.
It engulfs me.
It encompasses me.
It is like a chain around my neck.
Constantly there.
I have an illness.
Its name is depression.

I have an illness.
Its name is anxiety.
It feels like the world is spinning,
the colors blending together
The room shakes, the chest tight.
The overwhelming fear
Of anything, everything.
The inescapable sensation
of unrelenting chaos.
I have an illness.
Its name is anxiety.

I have an illness.
Its name is PTSD.
Triggered by past hurt,
betrayal, trauma
Nighttime is my enemy
Daytime is a freedom
But only a small freedom
The color is red
Like a screaming child
Who's childhood is ruined.
I have an illness.
Its name is PTSD.

I have an illness.
Its name is BPD.
Its colors are black, white and blue.
Black for the depression, and the thinking
White is for the smile before the black,
the other end of the thinking.
Blue is for the tears, for the hurt
Caused by others and by self
Nothing in the middle, just extremes.
I have an illness.
Its name is BPD.

I have an illness.
Its name is RA.
Its colors are blue and purple.
Blue for the tears caused by
the pain, pain caused by the
rain, by the ever changing weather.
Purple for the swelling and the color
of the joints inflammed.
Pain is a reminder that life is
not what it should be, a reminder
of my limitations, a reminder of the
no cure, of the pain.
I have an illness.
Its name is RA.

I have 5 illnesses.
Each one has a different name.
They paint different pictures
of pain, suffering, tears.
But they also paint a picture
of hope - hope for recovery.
Recovery is possible.
I have 5 illnesses.
Depression, anxiety, PTSD, BPD and RA
But those illnesses are NOT me!

1/29/15 Poem
This place is not a place for me
A place for me to get help
A place where meds are changed
Friends are made
Life controlled.
This place is not a place for me.

This place is not a place for me.
A place where people want to help.
A place for a new journey to start.
But mine won't.
Mine won't.
This place is not a place for me.

This life is not a life for me.
A life full of suffering and pain.
A life slowly spun out of control.
Friends lost.
Family too.
This life is not a life for me.

This life is not a life for me.
A life that doesn't give breaks.
A life that spins round and round
Rest is what I need.
What my body longs for.
Eternal Rest.
This life is not a life for me.
And soon I won't be in it.

12/08/16 Poem
Broken
Bruised
Beaten Down
Lying in a puddle on the ground

Passerbys stare on their morning stroll
Wondering why I can't get control

My mind is freaking out
Wondering how to get out
Out of where you ask
Out of this place
Out of this town
Out of this state
Out of this world
Out of it all
Permanently
Gone
Never to be seen again
By those passerbys on their morning stroll

Now there will be just a hole
Where that puddle once laid

No crosses, no flowers
No candles on the sidewalk
No teddy bears to take the place
Of the person who once took the space
Where that puddle once laid

Broken
Bruised
Beaten Down
Lying in a puddle on the ground
No more
Just a hole