Poems from Treatment #3

 These are two poems I wrote surrounding my discharge at River Oaks.

Discharge is here

It's time to get out

But why in my mind

Do I have so much doubt

Discharge means change

Change is always hard

And that to me means 

I need to put up my guard

I can't wrap my head around it

It's hard to see

That discharge is real

It's what's meant to be

The work is not done 

The struggles are not over

The pain is still there

Lurking over my shoulder

I'm worried

I'm scared

That when I get out

I won't make it out there

The fear is close

The doubt is clear

That I'll never make it

I'll just end up back here

I'm not sure I can do this

There's no one holding my hand

I have to get up on my own two feet

I'll have to stand

I'm worried 

I'm scared

That once I get out

I won't be prepared

The terror, the fear

Are constant reminders

Reminders of everything

Constantly here

Reminders of the future

Reminders of the past

I'm just not sure

How long I can last

My time here was fruitful

I did the hard work

I just wish it didn't need to end

End with no hurt

I'm afraid of the loss

That I know is about to come

That signals "put your guard up"

Or turn around and run

I'm losing someone

Someone special in my life

The first therapist I trusted

With all my pain, my strife

I feel alone

In this journey I fight

Because no one really understands 

Everything I've let come into the light

My guard goes back up

It never left me

I've let people too close

Let people see

It's fearful

It's scary

But it's something totally normal

Totally ordinary

The fear

The doubt

Continue to show themselves

Just keep coming out

I'm scared 

I'm worried

Because all of this

Seems totally hurried

I'm terrified

I'm fearful

That the outside world

Won't be nearly as cheerful

I'm still in shock

I'm still in pain

But now there is something

Something to gain

The pain I have

The struggle I run

It seems it's never over

Never completely done

This pain 

This struggle

It something I'll always have

Something I have to learn to juggle

I know healing's a process

One that never ends

It starts with me

My fences to mend

Healing never ends

There's always work to be done

But that doesn't mean

I can turn around and run

This place is safe

This place is why

I need to let go

Spread my wings and fly

Poem #2

I've been here a while

Worked on many things

But now it is time

I fly on my wings

The journey's been rough

It's been a fight

Maybe this will help me

Help me see the light

It's time for me

To enter the world

To take my first steps

My legs uncurled

The process has been good

It's helped me to see

That maybe this time

I'll be able to stand on my own two feet

I can't say

I'm not afraid

To fall back into my habits

To lose the progress I've made

I still need help 

The fight isn't over

I still need

To look over my shoulder

My eating disorder

It cannot win

I must be strong

I need to put the work in

It's such a battle

But I must win the war

My suicidal thoughts

That live in my core

Self-harms a struggle

Another one I need to face

So I can win this battle

This war, this race

My trauma is hard

It won't go away

At least immediately

It's here to stay

At the same time

Progress has been made

Some of trauma's power

Has been taken away

My trauma is real

But I'm not to blame

Now I can see

I can let go of the shame

My emotions are valid

They're safe to express

I'm able to show them

They're okay to address

Anger is normal

Anger is okay

It doesn't mean I'll turn into my dad

In any fashion, any way

My life has changed 

Even in small ways

I can take back some freedom

To conquer new days

It's time now

For this chapter to end

Time to let go 

Time to let myself mend

I know there's a loss

Of something special to me

A therapist I trusted

One who has been a key

A key to my progress

A key to my fight

But now that is over

It's time to reach a new height

I know there will be sadness

There will be pain

But I must remember

How much I gained

Now it's time 

To turn to a new page

This time is over

Time to start a new age

I've loved my time

That I spent here

But now it is over

My real life is near

I can make it outside

With all that I've learned

I'm stronger inside

There is so much I earned

Now it's time

To say goodbye

It's up to me 

I'm willing to try

I will always remember

All the good times

But it's time now

Time for me to fly

I can do this

I know I can

Today I'm ready

Ready to stand