Timeline and Reflections

This the timeline I created of my life up to age 18 when I was at River Oaks. Some incidents are just named, and further explanation will come from another post

1) Physical abuse started at age 6 - 3 years after my brother was born - Used paint stick

2) Age 6 - First signs of mental illness - threats of suicide

3) Bead incident - mom broke stick on my brother

4) Larger paint stick introduced - "Home of the finest pain"

5) Remote went missing incident

6) Friend’s dad talked to my dad on the phone

7) Elementary school – mom offered my brother and I alcohol

8) Age 8/9 – told me not to cry – only babies cry

9) 4th grade – First time I realized I was being abused

a.     Talked to teacher and school counselor who did nothing

10) Age 10 - takeover of all household responsibilities

a.     Included cooking, cleaning, laundry, emotionally supporting my mom

11) Played soccer as a child – never good enough, compared to brother

12) Age 10 – sexual trauma started with perpetrator

13) Age 10 – sexual trauma with friend

    a. Camping episode of sexual trauma

    b. Sexual trauma with perpetrator

      i.    Almost caught twice

14) Belt incident – Summer after 4th grade

15) Expectation to run up and down the stairs- waiting hand and foot on my mom with food and medication

16) 5th grade – Dad threatened to kill me

17) Between 5th and 6th grade – my dad almost kicking my brother and I out – giving us away – getting rid of us

18) 5th grade – called a drama queen after getting upset over bullying

19) Middle school – told chores come before homework

Timeline Reflection for first 19 events:

         This first section affected how I felt about myself because it taught me that my voice didn't matter, that there was no point in reaching out because I wouldn't be heard. This section taught me that my emotions were bad and unacceptable, that I had to walk on eggshells. This section taught me that my needs didn't matter and that I don't matter, only the way I could serve my parents mattered.

This taught me to have a low self-image and to deny asking for my needs because they didn't matter. It made me feel small, insignificant, and fearful. Fear was the expectation, I was taught to be fearful, even at one point for my life. I lived in fear, never knowing what was coming next or what to expect.

In the present moment, this affects me through not feeling comfortable expressing my emotions. It takes a lot to make me cry because I was crying was not acceptable. Instead, I bottle up my emotions and don't let other people see me upset because I was taught that emotions meant weakness. This also affects me in the present day because I have a hard time speaking up for myself and asking for my needs and using my voice. I live in fear a lot of the time, fear of making a mistake or saying something wrong. I generally feel bad about myself and have little self-esteem or self-compassion.    

 

20) 6th grade forward – Grades were never good enough – even straight A’s

21) 6th grade – made me go on points and calorie counting plan

22) Middle school – dad came home in the middle of the night drunk and shattered a mirror

23) 12-year-old birthday – beaten with stick over fighting with a friend

24) Age 12 – school counselor called to tell my parents that I was suicidal – it was brushed under the rug

25) 7th grade – Played softball – never good enough – dad would make me practice extra to try to make me better

26) Middle school – Said my brother did everything better than I did

27) Middle school – expected to take care of my mom’s “nurse”, expected to go to ER with her, showed pics of leg infection to my friends

28) 8th grade - Played volleyball – dad came to 1 game and it wasn’t good enough for him – he went to every one of my brother’s football games

29) 8th grade – Diagnosis of JRA

30)  8th grade – pushed to go for IB program

31) 9th grade – got kicked out for a night for raising my voice at my mom

32) 9th grade – had to drop out of IB program because there was no time to do homework

33) 9th grade – got put on protein bars as substitutions for meals

34) Age 14 – First major depressive episode

35) Age 14 – cops were called because I was suicidal and they showed up at my house

    

Timeline reflection for events 20-35

 

    This section affected how I felt about myself because I was made to feel insignificant and when I was noticed, it was generally in a negative manner. I was taught to hate my body because it didn't meet the standards my parents had set.  I was taught that other children were more important than I was to my parents. My friends mattered more to them than I did. I felt worthless and like I never measured up because I never did. No matter how hard I tried, it was never good enough.     

This also caused my self-esteem to be low. I beat up on myself for messing up just as much as my parents did. I was always afraid of what would happen if I did something wrong, even in places other than home. I was harshly criticized for every little thing and even the slightest slip up meant something bad was going to happen. I lived in constant fear     

This has affected me today by living in fear that something bad is going to happen at every turn and that my littlest mistake is going to lead to major consequences. I'm always afraid of being fired from a job because of any little thing I may or may not have done. I take the littlest thing, especially criticism and obsess over it and how I should have done something different. I constant beat up on myself still and try to always prepare myself for anything that could possibly go wrong or any criticism I could possibly get from someone. I very easily feel defeated over the smallest thing. I feel a lot of dread in my life walking into a situation where there is some unknown piece that I may not expect. I feel like something is going to go wrong in every situation and thus walk into all new situations with dread.

 

36) Age 14 – parents cut off communication with youth pastor and wife because they called the cops

37) 9th grade – first counseling session – parents used it to tear me down – never went back

38) 19th grade – bought my brother a $300 bed but wouldn’t give me lunch money

39) 10th grade – broke bone in my foot and got no medical attention for a month

40) High school – parents argued over who would go to who’s event – favoring my brother

41) Age 15 – first time abuse was reported

42) Age 15 – started self-harming

43) Age 15 – 1st hospitalization – teacher and school counselor cut out of my life after they had been supporting me for ~6 months

44) Age 15 – Parents found out about abuse being reported and flipped out

45) Age 15/16 – DSS got involved temporarily – intention to do family counseling (never happened) and a couple visits by a caseworker

46) Age 15 – decided it was best to finish HS a year early – took summer classes

47) Age 15 – mom made therapy sessions about her

48) Age 16 – went to church leaders for support about self-harming and family life – parents were suspicious

49) High school – mom offered me alcohol

50) Age 17 – left CO for Bob Jones University

51) Age 18 – kicked out of house

52) Age 18 – parents talked to BJU and attacked my character

53) Age 18 – 1st suicide attempt followed by getting kicked out of BJU

    

Timeline reflection for events 36-53

 

This section affected how I felt about myself because it showed me how unimportant I was to my parents which made me feel unimportant as a person. I also felt helpless because no matter what I did my parents would take it away. I had no control over any of my circumstance which made me feel hopeless to the point of suicide. I felt worthless.     

I was taught that reaching out for help was bad and wrong and that there was no point in trying to find support because my parents always ruined it in order to regain control. I felt powerless and alone. Friends rarely stayed around because my parents wanted control.     

This has affected me today because I have a hard time trusting people, especially those in authority roles. I also have a hard time asking for help because every time I did ask for help, it was taken away from me. This also affects me because it has made me question myself and what I believe, both about what happened to me and what I believe spiritually. My parents made me doubt that the abuse was real and twisted it to make it be my fault. The Dean of Women at BJU also made me question myself and about what I went through was actually abuse. I was called a liar which made me wonder. Also, with what happened with BJU, it made me question my religious beliefs and spirituality, what I believed. This is something I still struggle with to this day. I have no confident in really anything: myself, my trauma, other people, my faith, and other things too.