Poems from Treatment #2

 I wrote this poem while I was struggling with my thoughts and feelings towards the end of my time at River Oaks. I felt very hopeless at the time. 

It's been a shitty day
I feel so alone
In this battle called life
I'm on my own

I want to purge
I want to self-harm
Maybe if I do
I'll raise the alarm

I'm not okay
I'm not well
I would hope
That this would be easy to tell

My journey is ending
I have to say good-bye
But all I want to do
Is to go in a corner and cry

Many things have gone wrong
One after the other
Will it continue to happen
I don't even want to bother

Isolated and in pain
Things just don't work out
There's nothing to gain
Nothing to cry about

My life sucks
It's easy to see
I have no hope in life
All I have is me

It's sad to hear
The question why
Or even a question about my life
"Do you want to die?"

Die I do want
I want to give up
I guess my answer
To the question is "Yup"

I need a break
I need a way out
Of all this pain I'm in
Is this what life's about

I'm drowning
In a sea of pain
Of suffering, of misery
I'm no longer sane

I'm done with this life
I've got more
Can the end be here?
Can I exit the door?

This next poem I wrote while I was struggling with an urge to purge

My eating disorder
It always wins
I can't handle it
It makes me tense

I feel alone in this battle
No one understands
The struggle inside of me
I feel like I'm on a different land

It's got control
It's got power
It makes me anxious
Every single hour

I can't eat
Food is bad
It's scary, dangerous
It makes me mad

It's always there
The want to purge
I can't stand it
Can't stand the urge

It is a constant thing
On whether to purge or restict
It's something I know always comes
It's easy to predict

It's every day
A constant fight
I don't know
If I'll be alright

People can help
But even then
It's my struggle 
My battle to win

But I don't know if I can
I'm in too deep
It's an uphill battle
And the hill is very steep

I wish I could
Just go back
To things before
Before it got out of whack

I feel hopeless
I always lose
This battle inside
Is not one I choose

I can't do this
I can't move forward
Will progress ever come
Is it really something to work toward

I wish people knew
So they would get it
But then they'd be miserable
Just like me a little bit

My self-esteem

It totally sucks

I wish I could hide

Wish I wasn't stuck

I'm ugly, I'm fat

This is what my head tells me

That I'll never be good enough

It's what other people see

I can't win

It's too hard

I'll always be stuck

Never escape the guard

I don't know what else to say

To make people understand

This insane mind of mine

This crazy land

My mind never stops

It always perseveres

It's been like this

For so many years

I can't live like this

Not anymore

Is there any hope for me?

Is there any door?

I want this to end

I don't see a way out

There's only one way

That's what this is ultimately about

My life doesn't matter

Only my size

That's all people see

All those who are wise

I can't do this anymore

I'm done fighting 

Can this just be over

Can we stop denying

Things will never get better

I'll always be this way

My eating disorder's not going anywhere

It's here to stay

I guess I just have to let go

No need to run

No more fighting

Give up, I'm done