Saturday, May 7, 2016

The Dichotomy

Merriam-Webster defines dichotomy as: a division into two especially mutually exclusive or contradictory groups or entities

I feel like my life, is living in a dichotomy. I have two options in life and neither are optimal.
I can either ask for help because of how I feel or actually give up because I feel I can't ask for help anymore. Now let me explain this further.

The first part of this dichotomy is that people always say to ask for help. I have been told so many times that I just need to ask people for help and reach out to them for help. But when the time comes and I reach out for help because I want to self harm or because I'm feeling suicidal, the responses I get are appalling. I get told that I'm just trying to get attention, that I'm being high maintenance, that I'm needy or clingy. And how many people are there when I legitimately ask for help? Whether it's listening, offering advice or out in one area or another. Then I get to feeling so bad that it leads to the other half of the dichotomy.

The second part of the dichotomy is giving up because I feel like I can't ask for help anymore. And then I do something to try to be done with life. Or I totally disengage from everyone and isolate completely. And when I fail at my attempt to be done, then everyone asks "why didn't you come to me for help?" and then proceed to tell me how selfish I am for trying to just give up. And how it would make a huge difference in their life if I was gone.

Is it just me or is there a disconnect here? It would make a huge difference in your life if I was gone forever, but my cries for help are just for attention? I don't understand. What's going to happen if one day I do end it all? I feel like it's the saying "you don't know what you have until it's gone". If I matter, if people matter to you, then tell them that. Make sure they know that. Treat them like that!

This isn't directed at anyone. This is an observation. I feel like no one is willing to step up and be there for me when I'm struggling through the hard times and then everyone flips out on me when something drastic happens. So I'm stuck in this dichotomy. Everyone pushes me to find other people to find other support because no one wants to deal with me on their own. I'm the last person on everyone's priority list. There is no one who would immediately come if I called. Yet I hear people claim there would be this hole if I wasn't here anymore. It doesn't make sense. Thus the dichotomy.

So there's a dichotomy. And it confuses me. Cause I can't make it reconcile.