Addiction and Self-Harm

Self-harm is something that I have struggled with since I was young. Cutting started when I was 15. Self-harm is something that plays a role in my daily life. I've learned some things throughout this journey regarding self-harm and addiction. I've also recently taken a class on addiction and this has helped me realize even more reasons why self-harm is an addiction. I will outline some of these.

1) Self-harm is a form of addiction. It sends some of the same neurotransmitters that exercise does. The feel-good, pain relieving response. Once someone has started self-harming, they experience the pain-relieving endorphin response generally every time they safe harm. From then on, people who self-harm generally look for what feels like a release. I know personally, after I have self-harmed before, that once I did, I could breathe again and the tightness in my chest, my anxiety, my negative feelings about life or myself just dissipated. At least for the moment.  

2) Once someone starts self-harming, they look for the next time they can receive that "high" feeling that you get once you self-harm. Always chasing that high can mean that after a while the self-harm has to get worse (cutting deeper, pulling more hair out, etc) in order to try to get that temporary feeling of relief. This is called tolerance because things have to escalate to reach the same high that the original method did. 

3) Scientists have also found that withdrawal is a part of addiction and while this doesn't seem applicable to self-harm, it really is. One example of this is the constant urge to self-harm, especially when things get challenging. Personally, I've experienced times where my body craves the self-harm experience, to the point that I can almost physically feel myself engaging in self-harm long before I do. I describe this as my body longing for that pain because it needs that rush of endorphins. This is an example of withdrawal, 

4) Another aspect of addiction is loss of control. Many people (myself included) can lose control over the act of self-harm. Sometimes this is even counterintuitive because many times people self-harm to gain some control over their life when they feel that they can't control anything else. For me, this means that I want control over pain in my life and if I hurt myself, I'm the one hurting myself, not anyone else. It is something I can choose to do when everything around me is out of control or feels out of control. Eventually though, the self-harm gets to the point where it's no longer for coping at times, it's simply because you need the high. When I was self-harming at the worst period of my life, I went home and self-harmed on a daily basis and many times I didn't even know why. I just did it and I had no control over the thoughts and urges that came with self-harm. What I was using to gain control only led me to lose control.

5) Preoccupation is another aspect of addiction. This means that the mind is focused on it, even when not engaging in it. Many times, people who struggle with self-harm will fantasize about the next time they can self-harm and how they will act it out. This is something that I struggle with when I'm not actively self-harming. It can mean that I fantasize about how I could hurt myself in the future. Another aspect of this is dreams about self-harm. I will frequently have dreams about harming myself. This plays right into the fantasy. My subconscious thinks about hurting myself even when I'm not actively focusing on it. These dreams can be really distressing especially if I'm going through a time when I'm not self-harming. 

6) Escape or relief from negative mood. One of the biggest reasons that self-harm is so addictive is because it leads to relief from intense negative emotions. It is ultimately a coping skill. Not a healthy one, but one that many people use. It is something that causes relief from negative emotions and offers an escape from the constant anxiety, thoughts, depression, and other intense feelings. It helps for the moment. The effect rarely lasts a long period of time which is why people go back to it again and again. Ultimately, the escape from negative feelings that self-harm offers makes it addictive. 

7) Lying/Deception. Many times those who struggle with self-harm hide it from others. Even if others do know, they may hide how often they do it or how severely they do it. As a teenager, I hid my self-harm from my parents for months before I ended up in the hospital which led to my parents learning that I was self-harming. I've hid it many times depending on the situation. I've hid it from my friends, my employers, my therapist/psychiatrist many times. Lying is another aspect of addiction that falls into this. 

8) Continued Use Despite Problems. Self-harm has led for me to experience a wide variety of problems. One of which is when it has gotten so bad I've needed stitches. This means more medical care thus medical bills. Also I've had to miss work because I've had to go to the ER for my self-harm. I've experienced negative consequences in hospitals for self-harming, and yet I've still continued to do it. It's part of the addiction. Continuing to do it despite the fact that there are consequences and problems is a big indicator of its addictive nature. 

Overall, self-harm meets the qualifications for what is defined as a behavioral addiction. There is still extensive research being done around this topic and about how self-harm could be labeled as an addiction. 

Self-harm is a topic many people avoid, mainly because they don't understand it. Many people think that self-harm is a suicide attempt, when there is a big difference between the two. There are many reasons why someone would self-harm. Self-harm plays a part in daily life for people and for me personally, it's a daily battle.