*************TRIGGER WARNING for anyone who may have an eating disorder***********
I have officially been home 9 months. That means 9 months without a hospitalization, basically 9 months of stability. In those 9 months, I have successfully gone without self-harm which is a big accomplishment for me, especially considering that it was an addiction that began when I was 15 years old. My suicidal thoughts are gone and have not returned which is another huge victory. But with every victory, a new battle takes it place.
My battle with food began very shortly after I returned from New Orleans. I had gained a lot of weight through my 6 months of hospitalization, 60 pounds or so and most of my clothes were not fitting. I had to buy a whole new set of pants to have for work pants to begin work. Initially, I went food shopping and I filled up my freezer with meals and bought breakfast food and planned on eating normally. I don't even remember how it started. I think one day I probably just ate breakfast, a bagel was my usual breakfast and just didn't eat lunch or dinner. I started continuing this pattern. November 1st was when I started documenting what I was eating. Every day I wrote what I had eaten which for a while was just breakfast and the yogurt I use to take my medicine in the evening.
November 3rd was my first binge that I recorded (I don't remember if I did before then). I bought a pizza from Little Caesar's and ate 6 out of the 8 pieces at one time. Following the binge came my first purge. I wasn't very good at it to start so I didn't get much out but I got some out.
From there I continued my pattern of documenting what I was eating and if I binged and purged. At that point, my diet usually meant I was eating something for breakfast like a bagel or a parfait and then a yogurt at night when I took my meds and then I allowed myself to eat on weekends when I had get togethers with friends so that they wouldn't be suspicious but if possible I would purge afterward. I had bought myself a scale to monitor my weight and I had lost most of the weight I had gained and was trying to keep going.
Shortly after Christmas, I cut breakfast out of my diet. My diet then consisted of a yogurt and some random snacks at night that equated to close to nothing, except for weekends where I ate when around friends (which was usually for 1 meal) as to not raise any suspicion. I drank Dr. Pepper during the day to give me sugar to keep me going.
For most of this year, I've not eaten breakfast and when I can afford to I've had a fruit for lunch and occasionally had dinner. This has been the pattern up until just recently, in the past couple weeks.
Right now, I am consistently eating breakfast and lunch. I'm still struggling to eat dinner every single day because I'm just not used to eating 3 meals a day.
It's a work in progress. I guess this is my new battle to face.
