Posted on December 21, 2015
This is my first blog post. I've been thinking about starting a blog
for a few months now but haven't really sat down to get it started until
now. Daily life is not always what I dreamed it would be. But this is
my story and though it's not glamorous or all that exciting, it is me.
Daily
life right now includes work, school, animals, friends, and rest. I
work in a daycare and teach one year olds which is a big highlight of my
life. I am in school online studying early childhood education and hope
to finish by middle of 2017. I currently have one dog who's name is
Thumper. He is a 10 year old, white maltese poodle mix. I also foster
animals. Right now I have a foster dog and two foster cats. They make
life fun and make coming home a joy because I know I'll be loved by my
animals.
I never imagined this is how my life would be at age
21. I imagined myself being finished with college and into a career,
possibly married and living a productive life. Instead, I'm making it
through day to day and just focusing on that. Which isn't to say that
it's a bad thing, just what is. I live on my own, trying to make ends
meet. I am on disability due to my mental health. I do what I need to do
to survive each day and some days success for me is getting out of bed.
As time goes on, I hope to share more of my story with you and share my
struggles ultimately for the purpose to show others that they are not
alone in the daily battle that is life.
Thursday, January 28, 2016
The Battle Inside My Head
Posted on December 22, 2015
I'm just going to get this out there from the get go because this is my constant daily struggle.
I live with chronic intense suicidal thoughts. They are sometimes thoughts that just pass through my mind throughout the day. There are other times when the thoughts are intense and specific, which includes a method. These thoughts come daily. The intensity of these thoughts is related to my current level of stress. The higher the stress, the worse my thoughts are. Also, if I do anything but focus on the present and maybe the next day or so depending on what is scheduled for that day, then my thoughts get worse.
Now why would someone have such intense suicidal thoughts? Mine stem from a lot of reasons I believe. One reason is my brain chemistry. There are many people out there who have major depression and can take a couple medications and be okay most of the time. There are people where it takes one try or a few tries and then there is me. I have been tried on too many medications to count and still have not found a medication regimine that really controls the thoughts. There are constant tweakings of my medications and medication levels. For most of the medications, my brain does one of two things. The first is get absolutely nothing positive from the medication. This means that even after a lengthy try with the medication, there is absolutely no change in my mental state. The other thing is my body reacts severely to it. This means intense physical and mental side effects that are unbearable. There is actually quite a few medications that make my depression and suicidal thoughts worse. One combination I was on combined with stress led me to attempt suicide. Another weird reaction I can have is with combinations of medications. There are medications that if I take them separately, I have no problems with but if I take them together my thoughts immediately intensify. So I believe part of the reason why I struggle with chronic suicidal thoughts is because of my brain chemistry.
The second reason I believe I struggle this way is due to lack of acceptance. Acceptance is not an area of my life that I am at in many different areas. I still haven't accepted the fact that my parents will never be the parents I want them to be. I haven't accepted the reality of my physical illnesses being daily struggles that may never get better and may even get worse over time. And biggest of all, I haven't accepted the full reality of my mental illness and all it's implications. This also goes back to me having to focus on the present day or having things get worse. I have not accepted the fact that my mental illness is chronic and severe and do not want to accept it because if I do then this means I may feel this way for the rest of my life and who wants to live like that? I surely don't. I can talk about my mental illness and many of the realities that come with it in the present moment but once I look past that, I can't accept that.
The third reason is due to my self-esteem and the way I view myself. Because I don't view myself as valuable, it's very easy to think that others would be better off if I was gone. It also means that I think of myself as a burden to others and thus don't reach out for help when I need it. My self-esteem is poor and a huge portion of that is due to my upbringing. I had no validation growing up and this led to me learning to believe that I had no value and that I was worthless and that I couldn't do anything right. This self-esteem issue has also been reinforced by many doctors, therapists, hospitals and groups in general. I have had many doctors and therapists give up on me because they didn't know what to do with me. I have had hospitals blacklist me from being a patient there because they don't know what to do with me. I have been banned from groups because people there don't know what to do with me. There isn't really anyone in the professional field that has decided that I have enough value to take the extra time and do the extra work and even put their neck on the line for. I've been judged in different social settings because of my mental illness and the severity of it. This has only reinforced my poor self-esteem and I still do not see myself as having value.
Those are the three primary reasons why I believe that I struggle with chronic suicidal thoughts. And the reason I want this to be out there is for other people to be able to read this and relate to it. With everything I have gone through this past year, there are not many people that can honestly say they know what I'm going through and what is going on inside my head. Very few people. But I know they are out there and I want to be a voice to say that we exist. I felt so alone in much of my struggle because very few people understand and hardly anyone was willing to step in and help.
I'm not ashamed that I live this way. It is what it is. But maybe one day it won't have to be....
I live with chronic intense suicidal thoughts. They are sometimes thoughts that just pass through my mind throughout the day. There are other times when the thoughts are intense and specific, which includes a method. These thoughts come daily. The intensity of these thoughts is related to my current level of stress. The higher the stress, the worse my thoughts are. Also, if I do anything but focus on the present and maybe the next day or so depending on what is scheduled for that day, then my thoughts get worse.
Now why would someone have such intense suicidal thoughts? Mine stem from a lot of reasons I believe. One reason is my brain chemistry. There are many people out there who have major depression and can take a couple medications and be okay most of the time. There are people where it takes one try or a few tries and then there is me. I have been tried on too many medications to count and still have not found a medication regimine that really controls the thoughts. There are constant tweakings of my medications and medication levels. For most of the medications, my brain does one of two things. The first is get absolutely nothing positive from the medication. This means that even after a lengthy try with the medication, there is absolutely no change in my mental state. The other thing is my body reacts severely to it. This means intense physical and mental side effects that are unbearable. There is actually quite a few medications that make my depression and suicidal thoughts worse. One combination I was on combined with stress led me to attempt suicide. Another weird reaction I can have is with combinations of medications. There are medications that if I take them separately, I have no problems with but if I take them together my thoughts immediately intensify. So I believe part of the reason why I struggle with chronic suicidal thoughts is because of my brain chemistry.
The second reason I believe I struggle this way is due to lack of acceptance. Acceptance is not an area of my life that I am at in many different areas. I still haven't accepted the fact that my parents will never be the parents I want them to be. I haven't accepted the reality of my physical illnesses being daily struggles that may never get better and may even get worse over time. And biggest of all, I haven't accepted the full reality of my mental illness and all it's implications. This also goes back to me having to focus on the present day or having things get worse. I have not accepted the fact that my mental illness is chronic and severe and do not want to accept it because if I do then this means I may feel this way for the rest of my life and who wants to live like that? I surely don't. I can talk about my mental illness and many of the realities that come with it in the present moment but once I look past that, I can't accept that.
The third reason is due to my self-esteem and the way I view myself. Because I don't view myself as valuable, it's very easy to think that others would be better off if I was gone. It also means that I think of myself as a burden to others and thus don't reach out for help when I need it. My self-esteem is poor and a huge portion of that is due to my upbringing. I had no validation growing up and this led to me learning to believe that I had no value and that I was worthless and that I couldn't do anything right. This self-esteem issue has also been reinforced by many doctors, therapists, hospitals and groups in general. I have had many doctors and therapists give up on me because they didn't know what to do with me. I have had hospitals blacklist me from being a patient there because they don't know what to do with me. I have been banned from groups because people there don't know what to do with me. There isn't really anyone in the professional field that has decided that I have enough value to take the extra time and do the extra work and even put their neck on the line for. I've been judged in different social settings because of my mental illness and the severity of it. This has only reinforced my poor self-esteem and I still do not see myself as having value.
Those are the three primary reasons why I believe that I struggle with chronic suicidal thoughts. And the reason I want this to be out there is for other people to be able to read this and relate to it. With everything I have gone through this past year, there are not many people that can honestly say they know what I'm going through and what is going on inside my head. Very few people. But I know they are out there and I want to be a voice to say that we exist. I felt so alone in much of my struggle because very few people understand and hardly anyone was willing to step in and help.
I'm not ashamed that I live this way. It is what it is. But maybe one day it won't have to be....
Christmas Time
Posted on December 25, 2015
Merry Christmas to everyone. This time of year should be such a joy and all. Time to get together with friends and family. Celebrating the birth of Christ. But what if it isn't a joy?
3 years ago was the last Christmas I spent with my family. 2 years ago I spent part of Christmas by myself and another part with 2 people that I'm no longer friends with. Last year I spent it in a hospital battling the demons inside my head. This year I went over to the house of a family from church and enjoyed brunch and a couple games of Scrabble. This was an overall good time, but the moment I left my mood started to spiral. The temptation to self harm was strong and I was even thinking of ways to do it. I finally reached home and cleaned out the trash from my car and tried to get the feral cats in the apartment complex to come to me (which epically failed) and successfully distracted myself enough to let the urge pass. I then took a nap. What a great way to spend Christmas....
I can't remember the last time Christmas was a good experience. Growing up I remember all the excitement of getting toys and unwrapping presents and little rituals my family would do. But Christmas always ended with a sour note. Maybe there was some comment made or an argument or an obligation to be the family helper in everything I did. Maybe it was the jealousy of my brother who always got more attention then I did and who always got help setting up his toys first while I made breakfast or did some other chore. The last few years that I spent Christmas with my family were the most difficult too, as the comments got meaner and the favoritism showed more and more and the expectations grew increasingly higher. I can remember wanting nothing more than for school to resume so I would have my escape back. Christmas was always more about the presents than the family. The family just had to come with it.
I always wish that I had a family that I've seen others have. Who enjoyed being in each others company and who could spend time together without getting in an argument or a snide comment coming through. Who wanted to have a family meal together instead of it being an obligation. Even to this day I have trouble accepting the reality that my parents are never going to be who I wish they could be and I may never get what I dream for when it comes to Christmas.
Other than the family reminders that come with Christmas, my mental illness has made the holidays difficult too. Remembering the fact that I spent last Christmas in a psychiatric hospital and that my life has never been what it was before then. My mental illness really showed its ugly head when I was 15 and ever since then every holiday is clouded with it. This Christmas has been a really difficult battle with my head. The first one I've felt really alone. I've struggled with intense suicidal thoughts and self harm urges and feel guilty reaching out to others because it's Christmas and I don't want to dampen their holiday celebrations with my issues. Christmas has so much heartache attached to it and it's difficult to just make it through the day. I do my best to just act like it's another day and try to move forward. It's the best I can do for the moment.....
Merry Christmas to everyone. This time of year should be such a joy and all. Time to get together with friends and family. Celebrating the birth of Christ. But what if it isn't a joy?
3 years ago was the last Christmas I spent with my family. 2 years ago I spent part of Christmas by myself and another part with 2 people that I'm no longer friends with. Last year I spent it in a hospital battling the demons inside my head. This year I went over to the house of a family from church and enjoyed brunch and a couple games of Scrabble. This was an overall good time, but the moment I left my mood started to spiral. The temptation to self harm was strong and I was even thinking of ways to do it. I finally reached home and cleaned out the trash from my car and tried to get the feral cats in the apartment complex to come to me (which epically failed) and successfully distracted myself enough to let the urge pass. I then took a nap. What a great way to spend Christmas....
I can't remember the last time Christmas was a good experience. Growing up I remember all the excitement of getting toys and unwrapping presents and little rituals my family would do. But Christmas always ended with a sour note. Maybe there was some comment made or an argument or an obligation to be the family helper in everything I did. Maybe it was the jealousy of my brother who always got more attention then I did and who always got help setting up his toys first while I made breakfast or did some other chore. The last few years that I spent Christmas with my family were the most difficult too, as the comments got meaner and the favoritism showed more and more and the expectations grew increasingly higher. I can remember wanting nothing more than for school to resume so I would have my escape back. Christmas was always more about the presents than the family. The family just had to come with it.
I always wish that I had a family that I've seen others have. Who enjoyed being in each others company and who could spend time together without getting in an argument or a snide comment coming through. Who wanted to have a family meal together instead of it being an obligation. Even to this day I have trouble accepting the reality that my parents are never going to be who I wish they could be and I may never get what I dream for when it comes to Christmas.
Other than the family reminders that come with Christmas, my mental illness has made the holidays difficult too. Remembering the fact that I spent last Christmas in a psychiatric hospital and that my life has never been what it was before then. My mental illness really showed its ugly head when I was 15 and ever since then every holiday is clouded with it. This Christmas has been a really difficult battle with my head. The first one I've felt really alone. I've struggled with intense suicidal thoughts and self harm urges and feel guilty reaching out to others because it's Christmas and I don't want to dampen their holiday celebrations with my issues. Christmas has so much heartache attached to it and it's difficult to just make it through the day. I do my best to just act like it's another day and try to move forward. It's the best I can do for the moment.....
Trust
Posted on December 30, 2015
Trust. What a powerful word. Something that takes a long time to earn and is easily lost or broken.
The dictionary defines it in this way:
1) assured reliance on the character, ability, strength, or truth of someone or something
2) dependence on something future
3) a charge or duty imposed in faith or confidence or as a condition of some relationship
4) something committed or entrusted to one to be used or cared for in the interest of another
Many studies have shown that the way a person trusts people is directly related to how they grew up. If there was instability or dysfunction in the home, children learn not to trust the people that should have their best interest at heart, their parents. They learn not to trust adults for fear of being hurt, torn down.
In my home, there was no trust. No trust that needs would be met, emotionally and sometimes physically. One winter (and I grew up in Colorado so by November it was already really cold) I had one pair of pants that fit me and the rest were capris or shorts. I mentioned it to my parents who replied with snide remarks about my weight and ignored it. When my second cousins found out about this, they gave me a couple pairs of pants and only then did my parents decide to take action. Only when it looked bad on them because other people had to offer me pants. That was the physical part.
Emotionally, there was no way I could confide in or trust my parents with any struggle I had. When I was diagnosed with juvenile rheumatoid arthritis, my parents could care less if I was in pain. They always compared it to my mom, who has a chronic pain disease and said that if she could go to work with her pain, then I was expected to do all my chores with mine. So it was pushed under the rug. Growing up, there were lots of signs that something was off mentally. As an elementary school, I threatened suicide often, even though I didn't have the full understanding of what it meant. In middle school, school counselors were called by other parents concerned about my mental well-being and if my parents found out, it meant a lecture and yet again things were pushed under the rug. When the cops were called out to my house the summer after my freshman year in high school because I was suicidal, my parents took me to mandatory counseling once and used the session to tell the counselor how horrible a child I was. Then never took me back. Instead, they cut off the only support I had at that point, curbed my connection to others by cutting off my computer time and refused to let me speak to the adults who had called the cops, which at the time had been my youth pastor and his wife. They were also the first two adults I trusted with my story.
By the time my sophomore year came around, I began to self-harm and my depression and anxiety began to spiral out of control. I was reaching out to my high school band director, who led me to the school counselor who got me set up with an actual counselor that I was seeing weekly, all without my parents knowledge. When I ended up in a psychiatric hospital for the first time, my parents weren't concerned about what was wrong or what had happened, they were concerned with how I got there and who had brought me there so they would have someone to blame. While in the hospital, I refused visits and the phone calls and visits I did have were usually ended by staff because they were non-therapeutic. After the hospital, every therapy session was scrutinized and it made it very difficult for me to be open and honest with my therapist because I was afraid that my parents would find out what I said and that would make my home life even more difficult.
That being said, I trusted a handful of people in my life growing up and my parents cut off all those trusting relationships when they found out they existed. If it threatened how they looked to the outside world, then it was not allowed.
Because I never learned to really trust anyone growing up, trust is something I have an extremely difficult time with now. There have been many people in the past that I have trusted, only for them to abandon me. Now, I keep myself very guarded with how I'm doing and only offer up the truth to people that are at a distance, usually living at least a couple hours away. Sadly, this also includes the professionals that are designed to be there to help me like my therapist and psychiatrist. I have had therapists and psychiatrists who I sort of trusted but then the services ended for one reason or another. My current therapist I see weekly and have only been seeing her since November and don't really trust her. She is also going on maternity leave at the end of January and I will be forced to see someone else for 6 weeks which doesn't help the trust piece. I haven't met my assigned psychiatrist yet and won't until February.
Trust. I never learned how due to my upbringing and had to figure it out myself which has only ended disastrously. Keeping people an arms length away keeps me safe from being hurt but also leads to a lonely life. It's a constant battle to decide whether to trust someone or not and to determine if it's worth the risk.
Trust now is causing me to struggle to determine how open I'm going to be with my therapist tomorrow. If I'm going to be completely honest about how I'm doing, it could risk me ending up back in a psychiatric hospital, which isn't a good idea logistically right now.
Trust. How I wish it were easy for me. Yet it's so difficult.
Trust. What a powerful word. Something that takes a long time to earn and is easily lost or broken.
The dictionary defines it in this way:
1) assured reliance on the character, ability, strength, or truth of someone or something
2) dependence on something future
3) a charge or duty imposed in faith or confidence or as a condition of some relationship
4) something committed or entrusted to one to be used or cared for in the interest of another
Many studies have shown that the way a person trusts people is directly related to how they grew up. If there was instability or dysfunction in the home, children learn not to trust the people that should have their best interest at heart, their parents. They learn not to trust adults for fear of being hurt, torn down.
In my home, there was no trust. No trust that needs would be met, emotionally and sometimes physically. One winter (and I grew up in Colorado so by November it was already really cold) I had one pair of pants that fit me and the rest were capris or shorts. I mentioned it to my parents who replied with snide remarks about my weight and ignored it. When my second cousins found out about this, they gave me a couple pairs of pants and only then did my parents decide to take action. Only when it looked bad on them because other people had to offer me pants. That was the physical part.
Emotionally, there was no way I could confide in or trust my parents with any struggle I had. When I was diagnosed with juvenile rheumatoid arthritis, my parents could care less if I was in pain. They always compared it to my mom, who has a chronic pain disease and said that if she could go to work with her pain, then I was expected to do all my chores with mine. So it was pushed under the rug. Growing up, there were lots of signs that something was off mentally. As an elementary school, I threatened suicide often, even though I didn't have the full understanding of what it meant. In middle school, school counselors were called by other parents concerned about my mental well-being and if my parents found out, it meant a lecture and yet again things were pushed under the rug. When the cops were called out to my house the summer after my freshman year in high school because I was suicidal, my parents took me to mandatory counseling once and used the session to tell the counselor how horrible a child I was. Then never took me back. Instead, they cut off the only support I had at that point, curbed my connection to others by cutting off my computer time and refused to let me speak to the adults who had called the cops, which at the time had been my youth pastor and his wife. They were also the first two adults I trusted with my story.
By the time my sophomore year came around, I began to self-harm and my depression and anxiety began to spiral out of control. I was reaching out to my high school band director, who led me to the school counselor who got me set up with an actual counselor that I was seeing weekly, all without my parents knowledge. When I ended up in a psychiatric hospital for the first time, my parents weren't concerned about what was wrong or what had happened, they were concerned with how I got there and who had brought me there so they would have someone to blame. While in the hospital, I refused visits and the phone calls and visits I did have were usually ended by staff because they were non-therapeutic. After the hospital, every therapy session was scrutinized and it made it very difficult for me to be open and honest with my therapist because I was afraid that my parents would find out what I said and that would make my home life even more difficult.
That being said, I trusted a handful of people in my life growing up and my parents cut off all those trusting relationships when they found out they existed. If it threatened how they looked to the outside world, then it was not allowed.
Because I never learned to really trust anyone growing up, trust is something I have an extremely difficult time with now. There have been many people in the past that I have trusted, only for them to abandon me. Now, I keep myself very guarded with how I'm doing and only offer up the truth to people that are at a distance, usually living at least a couple hours away. Sadly, this also includes the professionals that are designed to be there to help me like my therapist and psychiatrist. I have had therapists and psychiatrists who I sort of trusted but then the services ended for one reason or another. My current therapist I see weekly and have only been seeing her since November and don't really trust her. She is also going on maternity leave at the end of January and I will be forced to see someone else for 6 weeks which doesn't help the trust piece. I haven't met my assigned psychiatrist yet and won't until February.
Trust. I never learned how due to my upbringing and had to figure it out myself which has only ended disastrously. Keeping people an arms length away keeps me safe from being hurt but also leads to a lonely life. It's a constant battle to decide whether to trust someone or not and to determine if it's worth the risk.
Trust now is causing me to struggle to determine how open I'm going to be with my therapist tomorrow. If I'm going to be completely honest about how I'm doing, it could risk me ending up back in a psychiatric hospital, which isn't a good idea logistically right now.
Trust. How I wish it were easy for me. Yet it's so difficult.
The New Year
Posted on January 6, 2016
I
could have posted this a few days ago but I decided to wait. Last year
was one of the toughest years I've ever had. I was hospitalized 12 times
for mental health issues and twice for physical issues that were
related to my mental health issues. Total of 7 different hospitals. It a
whirlwind of bouncing in and out of the hospital and trying to keep
myself out of the hospital for as long as possible. I lost some really
close friends and almost lost my job. I've struggled financially all
year. I spoke to my parents for the first time in 2 1/2 years. Then cut
off communication with them again because it was just too much for me to
handle. I had 3 suicide attempts, 2 of which ended me up in the
hospital for multiple days and included very close calls. I made new
friends through my hospital stays and my involvement in different
things. I have made a little progress with school but not as much as was
originally planned. I got on disability on my first try. It was a long
and very hard year. I feel that a lot has changed since the beginning
of last year, some good and some bad. I'm learning to live with and
handle my mental illness. I'm learning how to advocate for myself. I'm
discovering who I am again and hoping to keep growing and learning every
day. I have dreams for life but could not imagine this is where I would
be right now.
This year I hope things will be different. I hope things will change and I will advocate for that as much as possible. I want to let other people kno they are not alone in their struggle. I want to make a difference. We will see what this new year brings.
This year I hope things will be different. I hope things will change and I will advocate for that as much as possible. I want to let other people kno they are not alone in their struggle. I want to make a difference. We will see what this new year brings.
Diagnosis: Borderline Personality Disorder
Published on January 17th, 2016
December of 2014 was when I got the official diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder. However, the first time it ever got hinted at was during my first psychiatric hospitalization when I was 15. As I was leaving the hospital, they listed my diagnosis and put that I had traits of. Technically BPD can't be officially diagnosed until someone is 18 years old so until then they label you with traits.
There are 9 characteristics of Borderline Personality Disorder:
1) Fear of abandonment
2) Unstable or changing relationships
3) Unstable self-image; struggles with identity or sense of self
4) Impulsive or self-damaging behaviors (e.g., excessive spending, unsafe sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating).
5) Suicidal behavior or self-injury
6) Varied or random mood swings
7) Constant feelings of worthlessness or sadness
8) Problems with anger, including frequent loss of temper or physical fights
9) Stress-related paranoia or loss of contact with reality
These manifest in my life in the following ways:
1) Fear of abandonment. This means that I cling to relationships almost to an extreme. If I feel like someone is pulling away, I will cut off or at least try to cut off the relationship. Better me cut off the relationship than someone else cut it off. This comes from a need of control and the fear of being hurt. This leads to the next one.
2) Unstable or changing relationships. With the fear of the abandonment looming, I will go from quickly valuing someone very highly to not liking them at all. I will also bounce between the two. People in my mind are either all good or all bad. There are certain people in my life who I view in two lights and the light I view them in depends on the situation. This means that I rarely keep friends for very long or if I do relationships are rocky.
3) Unstable self-image; struggles with identity or sense of self. This has two components to it. The first one is an unstable self-image. This can include intense self-loathing and hate. The other component is a struggle with identity or sense of self. This means I have a wide variety of interests and it is difficult for me to make long term plans because my interests change so frequently. When I started college, I was a music education major. Now I'm an early childhood education major. I've also considered going into psychology or math education. With my current major of early childhood education, I have multiple options that I can take. I can either go into elementary school teaching or become a director of a daycare. One day I will know what I want to do, the next day I will want to do something completely different.
4) Impulsive or self-damaging behavior. This is one I really don't struggle with as much. Most of my impulsiveness is related to the next symptom.
5) Suicidal behavior or self-injury. I started cutting when I was 15. Since I started I have gone through periods of time where I haven't self harmed for multiple months and periods of time where I self harmed every day, sometimes even more than once a day. The severity of it has also changed throughout time. In addition to that, suicidal behavior includes suicidal thoughts and attempts. I am chronically suicidal and suicidal thoughts are on my mind constantly and there really isn't anything I can do about them being there. I have attempted suicide 5 times, two of which have landed me in the hospital and ICU for several days to make sure I was medically okay before being sent to a psychiatric hospital. I have been hospitalized for suicidal thoughts or attempts a total of 16 times since I was 15. 12 of those came in a span of under a year. This is something I really struggle with.
6) Varied or random mood swings. This is so me. I will wake up feeling pretty good and feel like I want to die by the end of the day. I will go from feeling totally fine to feeling horrible in a split second for no apparent reason. This makes life difficult to manage and can lead to me self-harming or isolating or other destructive behavior.
7) Constant feelings of worthlessness and sadness. This is something that I struggle with. It seems like every wrong thing in my life backs up my feelings of worthlessness. This leads to suicidal thinking because I feel that the world would be better off without me. Every relationship problem just backs up my feelings of worthlessness and that no one could or would ever really love or even like me for being me.
8) Problems with anger. I really don't struggle with this one. I tend to stuff my anger down and not deal with or if I do deal with it, I usually hurt myself instead of someone else.
9) Stress related paranoia or loss of contact with reality. This is very true. If I am stressed, I think people are talking bad about me behind my back and plotting against me. I also can dissociate which means that I run on auto pilot and am not totally focused on what I'm doing. Think driving somewhere and all of a sudden you don't remember driving a certain stretch of road.
Of all the symptoms of BPD I have 7 of the 9. Many symptoms are related to one another and cause life to be extremely difficult. One person described someone with BPD as someone with no emotional skin on and so they are over sensitive to everything around them which makes it harder to control their emotions. This is the heart of BPD. There are so many aspects of BPD but these are the main ones. In my next post, I will go over other disorders and treatments.
December of 2014 was when I got the official diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder. However, the first time it ever got hinted at was during my first psychiatric hospitalization when I was 15. As I was leaving the hospital, they listed my diagnosis and put that I had traits of. Technically BPD can't be officially diagnosed until someone is 18 years old so until then they label you with traits.
There are 9 characteristics of Borderline Personality Disorder:
1) Fear of abandonment
2) Unstable or changing relationships
3) Unstable self-image; struggles with identity or sense of self
4) Impulsive or self-damaging behaviors (e.g., excessive spending, unsafe sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating).
5) Suicidal behavior or self-injury
6) Varied or random mood swings
7) Constant feelings of worthlessness or sadness
8) Problems with anger, including frequent loss of temper or physical fights
9) Stress-related paranoia or loss of contact with reality
These manifest in my life in the following ways:
1) Fear of abandonment. This means that I cling to relationships almost to an extreme. If I feel like someone is pulling away, I will cut off or at least try to cut off the relationship. Better me cut off the relationship than someone else cut it off. This comes from a need of control and the fear of being hurt. This leads to the next one.
2) Unstable or changing relationships. With the fear of the abandonment looming, I will go from quickly valuing someone very highly to not liking them at all. I will also bounce between the two. People in my mind are either all good or all bad. There are certain people in my life who I view in two lights and the light I view them in depends on the situation. This means that I rarely keep friends for very long or if I do relationships are rocky.
3) Unstable self-image; struggles with identity or sense of self. This has two components to it. The first one is an unstable self-image. This can include intense self-loathing and hate. The other component is a struggle with identity or sense of self. This means I have a wide variety of interests and it is difficult for me to make long term plans because my interests change so frequently. When I started college, I was a music education major. Now I'm an early childhood education major. I've also considered going into psychology or math education. With my current major of early childhood education, I have multiple options that I can take. I can either go into elementary school teaching or become a director of a daycare. One day I will know what I want to do, the next day I will want to do something completely different.
4) Impulsive or self-damaging behavior. This is one I really don't struggle with as much. Most of my impulsiveness is related to the next symptom.
5) Suicidal behavior or self-injury. I started cutting when I was 15. Since I started I have gone through periods of time where I haven't self harmed for multiple months and periods of time where I self harmed every day, sometimes even more than once a day. The severity of it has also changed throughout time. In addition to that, suicidal behavior includes suicidal thoughts and attempts. I am chronically suicidal and suicidal thoughts are on my mind constantly and there really isn't anything I can do about them being there. I have attempted suicide 5 times, two of which have landed me in the hospital and ICU for several days to make sure I was medically okay before being sent to a psychiatric hospital. I have been hospitalized for suicidal thoughts or attempts a total of 16 times since I was 15. 12 of those came in a span of under a year. This is something I really struggle with.
6) Varied or random mood swings. This is so me. I will wake up feeling pretty good and feel like I want to die by the end of the day. I will go from feeling totally fine to feeling horrible in a split second for no apparent reason. This makes life difficult to manage and can lead to me self-harming or isolating or other destructive behavior.
7) Constant feelings of worthlessness and sadness. This is something that I struggle with. It seems like every wrong thing in my life backs up my feelings of worthlessness. This leads to suicidal thinking because I feel that the world would be better off without me. Every relationship problem just backs up my feelings of worthlessness and that no one could or would ever really love or even like me for being me.
8) Problems with anger. I really don't struggle with this one. I tend to stuff my anger down and not deal with or if I do deal with it, I usually hurt myself instead of someone else.
9) Stress related paranoia or loss of contact with reality. This is very true. If I am stressed, I think people are talking bad about me behind my back and plotting against me. I also can dissociate which means that I run on auto pilot and am not totally focused on what I'm doing. Think driving somewhere and all of a sudden you don't remember driving a certain stretch of road.
Of all the symptoms of BPD I have 7 of the 9. Many symptoms are related to one another and cause life to be extremely difficult. One person described someone with BPD as someone with no emotional skin on and so they are over sensitive to everything around them which makes it harder to control their emotions. This is the heart of BPD. There are so many aspects of BPD but these are the main ones. In my next post, I will go over other disorders and treatments.
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