Real Life

"The bravest thing I ever did was continuing my life when I wanted to die." ~ Juliette Lewis

     I'm going to start this post by being completely real. These past few months have been nothing but a struggle of whether I was going to live or going to die. I have been hospitalized 8 times this year for suicidal ideation, one of those times for an actual suicide attempt. 3 of my hospitalizations were at least a month long. I have been fighting my mind for my life all year long .I have gone through ups and downs, highs and lows, mountains and valleys. I've gone through many medication changes, 2 attempts at ECT and countless groups. Yet I'm still fighting for my life everyday. And that's where this quote fills in.
     So what is bravery? Merriam-Webster defines it as "having or showing mental or moral strength to face danger, fear, or difficulty." In simple terms, bravery is moving forward even though things are scary. Bravery is pushing through the fear to accomplish a goal. For me, bravery is continuously seeking out help even though things seem dark and hopeless and my brain just tells me to give up. By seeking out help, I am choosing to fight. By seeking out help, I am choosing to get back up after being knocked down. And ultimately, by seeking out help, I am choosing life. This is a reality of those who struggle with mental illness. Every person with a mental illness shows bravery by choosing life. Every day, every hour, every moment. Those of use with a mental illness fight a daily battle with ourselves. The battle can be from getting out of  bed to not letting the thoughts control you to just focusing on doing the next right thing. Sometimes we win, sometimes we lose. And it's okay to lose sometimes as long as you try again the next day. Bravery is fighting that battle day in and day out. Bravery is asking for help when it's needed. Bravery is continuing to live - not just survive - even though you feel like you want to die. So let's go out and fight our battles and show the world how brave we really can be.
     As for me, my bravery is taking the next step towards getting better by being at a longer term treatment facility designed to treat issues like mine. I am not sure what to expect or how long I'll be here but this is what I need to do to get better. This is my next step of bravery.