Living in the Dark

Trauma. We need to talk about it. It teaches us so many unhealthy ways about how to cope with life. It takes our fight, flight or freeze system and puts it into overdrive. Eventually, it becomes how we interact with the world. It determines our interactions with other people, how we handle stressful situations, how we view the world around us and so much more. When we are exposed to trauma at such a young age, our whole world is defined by it and we know nothing else. This can become problematic at any age, but especially becomes problematic as time goes on. It gets to the point where we don't know who we are without the trauma, without the interactions that come as a result of the trauma. This is living in the darkness.

Darkness. It started with abuse and neglect as a child, showing the child that the world was a dark place to live in. Then continued. It took over. Darkness means that the trauma has now defined you as a person, has taken over your identity. Darkness means healing is daunting, terrifying because it looks like nothing is there other than you with your trauma. Living in the darkness means running from healing because you are too afraid of losing your identity.

Living in the darkness can be manifested in a variety of ways. It can be someone who isn't willing to seek out therapy when they know they need it. It can be someone who is in therapy but not letting the therapist in because they aren't sure they want the help. It can be someone who purposefully keeps their distance from everyone because they are too afraid of being hurt or can be someone who lets everyone get close and gets hurt easily. It can be someone struggling with addiction, whether that be alcohol, drugs, or self-harm. Living in the darkness looks different for everyone but what it ultimately comes down to is someone is running away from healing because change is scary.

For me, Darkness looked like me running from my past, trying to stay as far away as possible. It looked like me living a life defined by severe mental illness, with daily suicidal thoughts and self-harm. Darkness looked like me bouncing in and out of psychiatric hospitals, trying to tell myself that it was the hospital that was in the wrong and that I didn't need their help. I didn't listen to their advice when they told me that I needed long-term treatment that was more intense than they could offer. I didn't invest myself in the therapy I was going to. I was running away from the help that I desperately needed. This was my darkness.

But why do I tell you all this? Because I know there are people out there right now that are stuck in this pattern right now. That are stuck because they are so afraid of losing their identity because it is so wrapped up in their trauma.

And I want to tell you that there is hope on the other side. There is a beautiful fullness of life on the other side. There is the opportunity to have a full functioning enjoyable life on the other side.

How do I know? Because I lived it. When I finally submitted myself to the treatment that I needed, and spent 4 1/2 months in short term hospitals getting my medications figured out and then 6 weeks in a trauma program specifically designed to help me work through my past, my life changed. Everything changed. It was a whole new ball game. I came home with a better outlook on life, the ability to handle stress and the ability to keep myself safe for the first time in my life. I have now been home from the program for over 6 months and have still not engaged in self-harm.

Life can change and can become beautiful on the other side.

It just means taking a chance and putting your full effort into it.