Anger Letters #3

 This is a letter I wrote to my perpetrator of the sexual trauma.

Dear perpetrator,

    You have caused irreparable damage. You stole my innocence. You damaged me. You broke me even more than I was already broken. You took my vulnerability and destroyed it. You took advantage of me, for your own pleasure. 
    While I understand that you were just re-enacting your trauma, that doesn't take away your responsibility. It isn't an excuse for all the hurt you've caused. You hurt me and hurt me bad. You hurt the child who didn't know better. You used the fact that I couldn't say no and ran with it. You used the fact that I couldn't use my voice against me. You have kind of held me hostage to your wants and desires.  You took full advantage of me, a young child who couldn't stand up for herself.
    You used the living situation I had against me. You took the fact that my parents were clueless and manipulated me and led us both to manipulate my parents, covering your ass and your actions.You left me vulnerable to future hurt by other people. You caused my suffering. You caused my hurt. You caused my shame. You. And only you. And you need to face reality and own up to the shit you put me through. It won't fix or change my suffering though. That damage is irreversible. And it is your fault and your responsibility. You hurt me. And that fact will never change. I hope one day you come to realize this. 
                ~ Kimberly

To explain this next letter, I knew my perpetrator had had sexual trauma of his own before he abused me. So this letter is to the person that hurt my perpetrator.

To the person who hurt my perpetrator:

    You don't realize how much damage you have caused by hurting my perpetrator. You are the reason why I had to suffer through what I did. You started a chain reaction. You hurt my perpetrator who then went and re-enacted everything you to him and hurt me and multiple other children. You caused that plain, that hurt, that torture. It's your fault that he led to doing the things he did. You are the reason I had to suffer. How horrible of a person you are to do that to another person. You are sick in the head. He was innocent and you took that away from him. You caused a tremendous amount of pain that he didn't know how to show others than to hurt other children. You started it. So many children had to suffer because of you. You are a child abuser and you made him one. He forwarded what you did to me. I have had to suffer because of your actions. Your actions! It's your fault!
    I wish you could understand and realize everything that's happened because of what you did. You were selfish, trying to meet your needs on someone else. I mean for crying out loud. And you caused so much more pain and damage than you could have ever thought or imagined. I hope you get what you deserve and have to feel the pain that you have caused so many others. You are a shitty person and deserve to rot in hell. 
    ~Kimberly

Sexual Trauma #2

************************Trigger Warning: Sexual actions and terms***************************

These are a couple more of the experiences of sexual trauma that I had as a child. During this period of time I was 10 or 11 years old.

The first time it happened, I had a friend over during the day. We were playing, maybe watching TV or something like that. She got bored and went upstairs to play with my perpetrator. They decided to start a game of truth or dare. I'm not sure who started it but the dare became a dare to get naked. That's when I got involved. Being curious about what was going on, I went upstairs and found my perpetrator and my friend naked. They told me that they were playing truth or dare and dared me to take off all my clothes just like they were. So I did. The next dare came from my perpetrator and it was to give him oral sex. At first, it was my friend doing it but I was pushed to do it too so I did. The next dare came from my friend and it was to have sex "doggy style" between my perpetrator and I. Then my friend and perpetrator did it too and I watched. I couldn't do a dare because my perpetrator and my friend were taking turns laughing and doing more dares. We were dared to do different things including more oral sex, anal sex and vaginal sex, taking turns of who my perpetrator was going to have sex with. I felt uncomfortable throughout the process but did it anyway because my perpetrator and friend were doing it and I didn't want to be left out.
    After that, every time we played together, that friend held the experience over my head so we would do what she wanted to. 
    One day my friend said she was going to tell her mom and my perpetrator and I ran to tell my mom that she was going to say what happened and explained that it was a lie. We briefly told my mom what she was going to say, explaining what happened in a very limited and skewed way. My mom was not concerned, basically writing us off. Things never went farther than that. 

When I was in 5th grade, I had 3 really close friends and we formed a small group. We did everything together and it was not uncommon for us to have sleepovers almost every weekend. One of my friends was just a couple days older than I was, our birthdays being close during the summer. We were bunk mates during our 3 day field trip to a camp for kids that our 5th grade class took. We were really close.
    We talked about everything. She knew what was going on in my household and I knew what was going on in hers. One day she shared with me that she had been sexually abused by one of her cousin's at a family reunion. This is what I believe led to this particular day.    
    It was another weekend and my friend and I were having another sleepover. Generally, we stayed up past when my parents went to bed. It was our chance to stay up late without a bed time. 
    That night, after my parents went to bed, my friend and I were playing in my room. The main light was off and a lamp was on, so the room was somewhat dark. My friend had the idea of playing doctor and examining each other's private areas. We took turns, going back and forth. We took a baby doll and stuck each arm and leg inside us each time we took a turn. We would mess around with each other's private areas using our fingers along with the baby doll. We would take parts of it and stretch each end. I did this first and I remember after a little bit of time she said it hurt but she just let it happen. When it was my turn to go, I remember being fearful that I was going to feel pain as well and begged her not to do the same to me. She didn't, much to my relief. But went back and forth fingering each other and using the baby doll. After probably 30 minutes to an hour, we eventually stopped and went back to playing with other toys. We never talked about it again.
    I found out later, through the grape vine that she had tried to do the same thing with another one of our other friends who said no. 
    This was the first time this happened and it happened again multiple other times, including during the camping trip we had with my family.

Another incident was one day during a summer afternoon, my perpetrator and I were left to ourselves. My parents were at work so we had no supervision. My perpetrator and I were in the lowest floor of the house playing. My perpetrator decided to dare me to give him oral sex (he didn't call it that obviously) and he said that if I did it to him, he would do it back to me. I asked who would go first and we decided that I would do it first. We laid down on the carpet that was in the middle of the room and both took our pants and underwear off. I gave him oral sex and I remember feeling uncomfortable while doing it and I remember my perpetrator complaining about me hurting him because I was using my teeth too much. After my perpetrator was satisfied with what I'd done, it was my turn. So we switched places and he looked at my private area and the hair on it and decided he didn't want to give me oral sex so he fingered me for a minute and then stopped. My perpetrator said we should stop before my mom got home so we did, put our pants back on and went back to our other summer activities.