Sexual Trauma #3

#1:

    One day during the summer, my perpetrator had one of their friends over for the afternoon. It was the boy who lived next door and he was at least one year younger than my perpetrator. It started the way it generally did, with a game. This time it was truth or dare again. My perpetrator always made me pick dare. The first dare I was given was to give my perpetrator oral sex. This was the way we started this game. We did other dares that were non-sexual dares like eating dog food or stupid things like that. Then I got a dare to model naked for my perpetrator and his friend. We were in the living room at this point in the middle floor of our house. I went around the corner into the kitchen and took off all my clothes. Then I was walked like I was a model and the kitchen floor was my runway. My perpetrator laughed and acted like they thoroughly enjoyed me walking up and down the kitchen floor. It was very obvious that my perpetrator's friend was uncomfortable but he was going along with it for my perpetrator's sake. I found out later that my perpetrator tried to get their friend to do different sexual acts with them but the friend refused and pushed my perpetrator away and that ended that.
    During this experience, I felt uncomfortable and exploited. I was expected to fall right back into this like it never ended with my perpetrator. I felt like I had to play a part so to speak for my perpetrator's pleasure. I felt pressured into this. It was always a game for my perpetrator but it never was for me. 

#2: 

    Up until the age of 11 or 12, my perpetrator and I would take showers together. We often played pretend games during the shower process like playing pretend. Sometimes we would pretend that we were different animals or stuff like that. When I was 10-11, the shower games turned sexual. They started wanting to bathe each other's private area. They once again used a game to introduce it. They started with pretending that I was a dog and they were the owner and the owner had to wash the dog. They had me get on all fours, like a dog, and they pretended to use the sponge to wash me all over and when it came to my private area, they fingered me, taking as much time as they could to do it. Then we reversed roles and I was expected to wash them in the same manner, him wanting me to play with his private areas, which I did, as asked. Eventually, we ended the shower and completed the "game". This "game" took place many times over the next few weeks or months. It was never seen by my parents who never checked on us during our showers. It was the perfect way to conceal their actions. This "game" made me very uncomfortable at first, but eventually became normalized, as part of everything that was going on at the same time. 

Poems From Treatment #4

This is a poem I wrote after a conversation with my therapist at River Oaks: 

I want to scream
I want to cry
And I'm afraid if I do
I will surely die

No one sees it.
It's always hidden.
Because I've been taught
That it's extremely forbidden

I can't release
It's trapped inside
I feel alone
In ever stride

It's scary
It's bad
It'll mean
I'm just like my dad

Letting out
All my fears
Will lead to nothing
Not even tears

Nothing will come
It's too deep
I can't fall apart
I can't even weep

I want only
To let it out
But inside
There is so much doubt

Maybe one day
I'll face my fears
Of letting everything out
Of freeing my tears

I want to express
I want to let go
My scream inside
That I need to show

One day soon
Maybe I can
Let everything out
From which I have ran

I want to scream
I want to cry
Maybe some day
I'll be able to try

This is an acrostic poem I wrote:

Giving up what wasn't mine

Undoing the chains that held me down

Illuminating the possibility of believing in myself

Leaving behind what I don't deserve

Turning around and being free

This is a poem that I wrote in response to a memory that came up:

I'm broken
I'm damaged
My life is really
Hard to manage

I'm damaged
I'm broken
Much of my life
Remains unspoken

You damaged my life
That can't be fixed
All the pieces of my mind
Are completely mixed

You took full
Advantage of me
You turned me into
Someone I didn't want to be

You stole my innocence
That I can't get back
It's left me
Completely out of whack

Because of you
I feel so alone
Isolated
With no one to phone

Maybe one day
I'll find a way out
Of the flashbacks, the nightmares
That give me so much doubt

You betrayed me
You destroyed me
You made me 
Feel so lonely

Destroyed I am
Because of your behavior
My memories from childhood
I'm unable to savor

You hurt the child
Who knew no better
You took something from me
You became my debtor

You caused my pain
You caused my fear
It haunts me every day
Every month, every year

Maybe one day
You'll understand
And my heart may heal
My hurt may end

Reasons Why Sexual Trauma Was Not My Fault

One of the assignments while I was inpatient was to write a paragraph for every reason I thought the sexual trauma was my fault, discrediting it. 

Reason #1: I was the older one. 
Why it's wrong: I may have been older in age, however I was more vulnerable because of all the other trauma that was going on at the same time. My parents were physically and emotionally abusing me at the same time which created an unsafe environment for me. Because of this, there was no safety for me and it affected my development. It made my emotional and mental age younger than I actually was. This left me to fall prey easily to any further abuse that took place. 
Today I am learning that age does not equal maturity.

Reason #2: I could have stopped it.
Why it's wrong: I knew I didn't like it and I knew I couldn't stop it or say no. I had been taught that saying no wasn't an option and that it wasn't okay to use my voice even if I didn't like what was going on or happening to me. This meant that I couldn't say no to my perpetrator when things started happening. They were the one leading it and I couldn't say no to them. I didn't know how to say no to them or to anything I didn't like.
Today I am learning that while I was powerless then, I'm not powerless anymore. 

Reason #3: My parents knew about it and didn't do anything. 
Why it's wrong: My parents should have protected me. They should have protected my perpetrator from what they went through initially and should have provided a safe environment for them to speak up. This would have prevented (maybe) them from doing it in the first place. Then, even if it did happen, they should have protected me by providing an environment that taught me how to speak up and ask for help. Additionally, when my mom was suspicious, she should have done something and not let it continue to happen. She shouldn't have given up so easily. 
Today I am learning that just because my parents screwed up does not mean that I am screwed up. 

Reason #4: I could have controlled it. 
Why it's wrong: I didn't have any power or control to stop it. My perpetrator was the one with the power in this event, this trauma. I had no control over what was going on during this time because my perpetrator led it and I had no control over what they did to me. Because of the lack of power and control I had, I didn't let it happen. I wasn't able to stop it and if I was able, I certainly would have. But I was a child and was the powerless one in this trauma. 
Today I am learning that because I had no control, it was not my fault. 

Reason #5: I could have said no. 
Why it's wrong:  I didn't have the emotional or psychological ability to say no. I was never taught that no was an acceptable answer. In fact, I was taught the opposite. I did not have the emotional ability to say no because I did not develop it due to the other abuse and trauma that I was experiencing at that time. This trauma affected my emotion and psychological development and I never developed the ability to say no. So I couldn't say no when it was happening. 
Today I am learning that no is an acceptable answer. 

Reason #6: I could have spoken up for myself. 
Why it's wrong: I didn't know how to speak up for myself. In my household at that time, it was expected for me to be seen and not heard and there was never any option for me to speak up for myself. And even if I did say something,I would have probably been blamed by my parents because that was their go to and everything was always my fault. I had no real voice and couldn't speak up for myself even if I had the opportunity. 
Today I'm learning I have the right to speak up for myself. 

Self-Compassion Letters #2

 This was a response to my life at 15. 

Dear Kimberly,

    I want you to know how much you deserve love and care. The treatment you got from your parents was wrong. They should have protected you. The school should have protected you, instead of watching your dad abuse you right in front of them. You deserve all the validation and encouragement Mr. Mason gave you and you deserve validation and encouragement today.
    The system failed you and you deserve better. You deserve safety and you never really got it. It's hard to feel safe when everything around you isn't. You deserve to know what safety really feels like, and I understand that it's hard to experience safety when you never really got it, as a child and now want you to know that you can experience it now, as an adult.
    I also want you to hear that your life matters. You have worth, just by being human. You have made a difference in this world, just by being you. You are a kind, gentle person with a great sense of humor, even if it doesn't always feel that way. You have many people who love and care about and are in your life because they want to be. You deserve to not be given up on, like so many therapists did to you. You deserve better treatment than that and you now have access to it.
    Keep going. You got this. You can make it through any challenge that comes your way. You are strong and resilient. You are a survivor.

Sincerely,
Kimberly/Yourself

This is in response to the camping incident of sexual abuse. 

Dear Kimberly,

    I want you to know that you deserve better. You deserve protection and you never got it. You deserve love and you didn't get it. You deserve to be valued and you weren't. But you can be now. You can value yourself and hear the supportive words around you from your support system. You can protect yourself now because you have more resources now than you did as a child. You have people who support and care about you more than you even realize sometimes. You have people who love you like you should have been as a child. 
    Your parents failed you and your perpetrator. They should have been a safe space for you to talk to. They should have recognized the signs and gotten you the help you both needed. You deserve more than they ever offered you.
    It is okay to be angry at your perpetrator. It's okay to be angry at your friend. You are allowed to feel angry for how you were violated as a child. What happened was wrong and it is okay to feel angry about it.
    I want you to know that it was wrong for how you lost your innocence. It was taken from you at an age where you should have felt safe. You deserve safety. You deserved it as a child and you deserve it now. you have the power now to keep yourself safe and take back that innocence that was stolen from you. You have survived so much and come out the other side. Keep pushing forward. You got this!
    Sincerely,
    Kimberly

This letter is in response to when my parents put me on a diet and began fostering my eating disorder. 

Dear Kimberly,
    You did not deserve to be treated the way your parents treated you. It is wrong to put a child on a diet that was made for adults. You should have never ha to worry about your weight or your diet. You should have never had to worry about the latest diet plan your mom found. Counting calories or points is made for an adult, not a child. You were a child, you should have been treated like a child. You should have been worrying about school dances or friends or extra-curricular activities. You should have been able to focus on things you enjoyed instead of what you ate. You should have never had to worry solely on your body-image like being overweight was the end of the world. 
    You deserved to be uplifted by your parents, not brought down. Your body does not define who you are. I know food was used as a weapon but it doesn't have to be now. You have control now that you didn't have as a child so you don't need to restrict in order to gain control. Eating is necessary for functioning and you need it in order to work through all that you are. You are stronger than your trauma. You deserve to love yourself enough to nourish your body. You have the right to have 3 meals a day, which you never learned from your parents. You can let yourself eat now without feeling out of control. Eating is important to a healthy life and you deserve a healthy life. Focus on what you can control in your life and you will get through this. 
    Sincerely,
    Kimberly.