Christmas Time

Posted on December 25, 2015

Merry Christmas to everyone. This time of year should be such a joy and all. Time to get together with friends and family. Celebrating the birth of Christ. But what if it isn't a joy?

3 years ago was the last Christmas I spent with my family. 2 years ago I spent part of Christmas by myself and another part with 2 people that I'm no longer friends with. Last year I spent it in a hospital battling the demons inside my head. This year I went over to the house of a family from church and enjoyed brunch and a couple games of Scrabble. This was an overall good time, but the moment I left my mood started to spiral. The temptation to self harm was strong and I was even thinking of ways to do it. I finally reached home and cleaned out the trash from my car and tried to get the feral cats in the apartment complex to come to me (which epically failed) and successfully distracted myself enough to let the urge pass. I then took a nap. What a great way to spend Christmas....

I can't remember the last time Christmas was a good experience. Growing up I remember all the excitement of getting toys and unwrapping presents and little rituals my family would do. But Christmas always ended with a sour note. Maybe there was some comment made or an argument or an obligation to be the family helper in everything I did. Maybe it was the jealousy of my brother who always got more attention then I did and who always got help setting up his toys first while I made breakfast or did some other chore. The last few years that I spent Christmas with my family were the most difficult too, as the comments got meaner and the favoritism showed more and more and the expectations grew increasingly higher. I can remember wanting nothing more than for school to resume so I would have my escape back. Christmas was always more about the presents than the family. The family just had to come with it.

I always wish that I had a family that I've seen others have. Who enjoyed being in each others company and who could spend time together without getting in an argument or a snide comment coming through. Who wanted to have a family meal together instead of it being an obligation. Even to this day I have trouble accepting the reality that my parents are never going to be who I wish they could be and I may never get what I dream for when it comes to Christmas.

Other than the family reminders that come with Christmas, my mental illness has made the holidays difficult too. Remembering the fact that I spent last Christmas in a psychiatric hospital and that my life has never been what it was before then. My mental illness really showed its ugly head when I was 15 and ever since then every holiday is clouded with it. This Christmas has been a really difficult battle with my head. The first one I've felt really alone. I've struggled with intense suicidal thoughts and self harm urges and feel guilty reaching out to others because it's Christmas and I don't want to dampen their holiday celebrations with my issues. Christmas has so much heartache attached to it and it's difficult to just make it through the day. I do my best to just act like it's another day and try to move forward. It's the best I can do for the moment.....