I'm just going to get this out there from the get go because this is my constant daily struggle.
I live with chronic intense suicidal thoughts. They are sometimes thoughts that just pass through my mind throughout the day. There are other times when the thoughts are intense and specific, which includes a method. These thoughts come daily. The intensity of these thoughts is related to my current level of stress. The higher the stress, the worse my thoughts are. Also, if I do anything but focus on the present and maybe the next day or so depending on what is scheduled for that day, then my thoughts get worse.
Now why would someone have such intense suicidal thoughts? Mine stem from a lot of reasons I believe. One reason is my brain chemistry. There are many people out there who have major depression and can take a couple medications and be okay most of the time. There are people where it takes one try or a few tries and then there is me. I have been tried on too many medications to count and still have not found a medication regimine that really controls the thoughts. There are constant tweakings of my medications and medication levels. For most of the medications, my brain does one of two things. The first is get absolutely nothing positive from the medication. This means that even after a lengthy try with the medication, there is absolutely no change in my mental state. The other thing is my body reacts severely to it. This means intense physical and mental side effects that are unbearable. There is actually quite a few medications that make my depression and suicidal thoughts worse. One combination I was on combined with stress led me to attempt suicide. Another weird reaction I can have is with combinations of medications. There are medications that if I take them separately, I have no problems with but if I take them together my thoughts immediately intensify. So I believe part of the reason why I struggle with chronic suicidal thoughts is because of my brain chemistry.
The second reason I believe I struggle this way is due to lack of acceptance. Acceptance is not an area of my life that I am at in many different areas. I still haven't accepted the fact that my parents will never be the parents I want them to be. I haven't accepted the reality of my physical illnesses being daily struggles that may never get better and may even get worse over time. And biggest of all, I haven't accepted the full reality of my mental illness and all it's implications. This also goes back to me having to focus on the present day or having things get worse. I have not accepted the fact that my mental illness is chronic and severe and do not want to accept it because if I do then this means I may feel this way for the rest of my life and who wants to live like that? I surely don't. I can talk about my mental illness and many of the realities that come with it in the present moment but once I look past that, I can't accept that.
The third reason is due to my self-esteem and the way I view myself. Because I don't view myself as valuable, it's very easy to think that others would be better off if I was gone. It also means that I think of myself as a burden to others and thus don't reach out for help when I need it. My self-esteem is poor and a huge portion of that is due to my upbringing. I had no validation growing up and this led to me learning to believe that I had no value and that I was worthless and that I couldn't do anything right. This self-esteem issue has also been reinforced by many doctors, therapists, hospitals and groups in general. I have had many doctors and therapists give up on me because they didn't know what to do with me. I have had hospitals blacklist me from being a patient there because they don't know what to do with me. I have been banned from groups because people there don't know what to do with me. There isn't really anyone in the professional field that has decided that I have enough value to take the extra time and do the extra work and even put their neck on the line for. I've been judged in different social settings because of my mental illness and the severity of it. This has only reinforced my poor self-esteem and I still do not see myself as having value.
Those are the three primary reasons why I believe that I struggle with chronic suicidal thoughts. And the reason I want this to be out there is for other people to be able to read this and relate to it. With everything I have gone through this past year, there are not many people that can honestly say they know what I'm going through and what is going on inside my head. Very few people. But I know they are out there and I want to be a voice to say that we exist. I felt so alone in much of my struggle because very few people understand and hardly anyone was willing to step in and help.
I'm not ashamed that I live this way. It is what it is. But maybe one day it won't have to be....
I live with chronic intense suicidal thoughts. They are sometimes thoughts that just pass through my mind throughout the day. There are other times when the thoughts are intense and specific, which includes a method. These thoughts come daily. The intensity of these thoughts is related to my current level of stress. The higher the stress, the worse my thoughts are. Also, if I do anything but focus on the present and maybe the next day or so depending on what is scheduled for that day, then my thoughts get worse.
Now why would someone have such intense suicidal thoughts? Mine stem from a lot of reasons I believe. One reason is my brain chemistry. There are many people out there who have major depression and can take a couple medications and be okay most of the time. There are people where it takes one try or a few tries and then there is me. I have been tried on too many medications to count and still have not found a medication regimine that really controls the thoughts. There are constant tweakings of my medications and medication levels. For most of the medications, my brain does one of two things. The first is get absolutely nothing positive from the medication. This means that even after a lengthy try with the medication, there is absolutely no change in my mental state. The other thing is my body reacts severely to it. This means intense physical and mental side effects that are unbearable. There is actually quite a few medications that make my depression and suicidal thoughts worse. One combination I was on combined with stress led me to attempt suicide. Another weird reaction I can have is with combinations of medications. There are medications that if I take them separately, I have no problems with but if I take them together my thoughts immediately intensify. So I believe part of the reason why I struggle with chronic suicidal thoughts is because of my brain chemistry.
The second reason I believe I struggle this way is due to lack of acceptance. Acceptance is not an area of my life that I am at in many different areas. I still haven't accepted the fact that my parents will never be the parents I want them to be. I haven't accepted the reality of my physical illnesses being daily struggles that may never get better and may even get worse over time. And biggest of all, I haven't accepted the full reality of my mental illness and all it's implications. This also goes back to me having to focus on the present day or having things get worse. I have not accepted the fact that my mental illness is chronic and severe and do not want to accept it because if I do then this means I may feel this way for the rest of my life and who wants to live like that? I surely don't. I can talk about my mental illness and many of the realities that come with it in the present moment but once I look past that, I can't accept that.
The third reason is due to my self-esteem and the way I view myself. Because I don't view myself as valuable, it's very easy to think that others would be better off if I was gone. It also means that I think of myself as a burden to others and thus don't reach out for help when I need it. My self-esteem is poor and a huge portion of that is due to my upbringing. I had no validation growing up and this led to me learning to believe that I had no value and that I was worthless and that I couldn't do anything right. This self-esteem issue has also been reinforced by many doctors, therapists, hospitals and groups in general. I have had many doctors and therapists give up on me because they didn't know what to do with me. I have had hospitals blacklist me from being a patient there because they don't know what to do with me. I have been banned from groups because people there don't know what to do with me. There isn't really anyone in the professional field that has decided that I have enough value to take the extra time and do the extra work and even put their neck on the line for. I've been judged in different social settings because of my mental illness and the severity of it. This has only reinforced my poor self-esteem and I still do not see myself as having value.
Those are the three primary reasons why I believe that I struggle with chronic suicidal thoughts. And the reason I want this to be out there is for other people to be able to read this and relate to it. With everything I have gone through this past year, there are not many people that can honestly say they know what I'm going through and what is going on inside my head. Very few people. But I know they are out there and I want to be a voice to say that we exist. I felt so alone in much of my struggle because very few people understand and hardly anyone was willing to step in and help.
I'm not ashamed that I live this way. It is what it is. But maybe one day it won't have to be....
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