The Slippery Slope

For me, my breakdowns can happen either very suddenly or gradually. There can be one event that sends me in a tailspin and I'm struggling just to stay alive moment to moment. But those don't happen too often. The event has to be extremely hurtful and unexpected for it to really knock me down quick. This happened in October when I was sent an email saying I was no longer allowed to attend a support group. The day after I got the email was the day of my 5th suicide attempt and the decision was made and acted on quickly.
However, looking back, most of the time my breakdowns occur gradually. On what I call a slippery slope. One I start down it, it feels almost impossible to stop sliding down. It will start with signs like a difference in my appetite and my sleep schedule. Then it will start to affect my enjoyment of things and my energy level. Then I will begin isolating. From isolating, the internal thoughts start going about how I'm this horrible person who doesn't deserve friends and will always be alone and so on and so forth. This slippery slope takes weeks for me to slide down and out of all the times I've been hospitalized, I've managed to fight it once. Out of 16 hospitalization and 5 suicide attempts. That's a lot of breakdowns and there is only one breakdown that I've had that didn't lead me to go into the hospital. And that was only because the hospitals I wanted to go to wouldn't take me as a patient and I was terrified of being sent to a hospital that will hurt me rather than help me (which has happened multiple times). I still spent weeks in a complete depression with suicidal thoughts every day and self-harming behavior. Eventually I was starting to pull myself out of it when I got hit with the big event in October that started my last breakdown.
I've been out of the hospital since the end of October. Almost 4 months. That's a long time for me. The longest I've been out in over a year. And I don't want to go back in the hospital. I'm afraid to go back in the hospital. Because going in the hospital means one of two things: I will either end up in a hospital I have been in before that hasn't helped me or I will end up in a new hospital that I'm not familiar with and could end up in a good or bad situation. But there is the fear of the unknown. I've had multiple hospitals not let me wear my wrist and ankle braces, simply because they have strings (which by the way can't be removed so there really isn't any risk of me hurting myself with them), which has led to a lot of physical pain in dealing with my arthritis. I've had some hospitals that have allowed me to keep my braces. It really depends on the hospital. Another big thing for me is whether or not I'm allowed to have my biggest comfort and self-soothe item - my pillowcase (it has it's own back story which I will write about another time). Essentially this pillowcase is a security blanket for me and I carry it everywhere. It's easy to tote in my purse and keep with me at all times when I need it. It helps calm me down during anxiety attacks. It comforts me to help me sleep and is a very meaningful possession to me though there are many people who can't understand why (because it's very tattered). Some hospitals let me have it. Some do not. Again, really depends on the hospital.
However, I have noticed that I am once again on the slippery slope. This means my energy level is lacking, I'm making impulsive and rash decisions, I'm irritable, extremely anxious (which is usually controlled with medication), my suicidal thoughts are getting worse and I'm avoiding people like the plague. I feel guilty for doing it but it's hard to explain to people what's going on when you don't even know yourself. Last night, I made a big decision very stupidly and on impulse and it has been haunting me ever since. Making me slide farther down the slippery slope. A big decision that once I told a friend about, that friend called me three times in the middle of the night to make sure I was okay. And today I started out feeling okay and have just gotten worse and worse since.
The thing I'm noticing though with this slippery slope is that even though I recognize I'm on it, I'm still trying to isolate and not talk to people. I'm still trying to act like I have everything together. And I surely don't plan on talking to my therapist about this either (mainly because this is only the second time she will be seeing me). So I don't really feel like I have a team behind me. I have a couple friends who I know care and would do anything to help me but I know I need more and I just don't have it.
So will I continue down the slippery slope and end my streak of staying out of the hospital? Or will I manage to somehow pull myself together and make it through? I'm not really sure at this point.