The spoon theory states that people with illness like arthritis, MS, and mental illness are only given a certain number of spoons for each day and once a spoon is used it can't be again. You can borrow spoons from the next day but that means that you have less spoons to start with the next day. If I was given 12 spoons a day, each different task requires a different spoon. Getting out of bed and getting dressed is a spoon. If I don't take my medicine, I automatically lose two spoons because my ability to function is even more limited due to anxiety attacks, intrusive thoughts or mood swings all of which happen if I don't take my medications every day. Even if I do take my medications I'm still at risk for those symptoms to appear. Getting into work and working each day requires a certain number of spoons, which varies by the day and how I'm feeling and how stressful the day is at work. Then I usually go tutor which requires at least one spoon if not two. Then coming home. If I have any spoons left for the day, I may be able to cook dinner. And even that usually means microwavable meals or mac and cheese. Simple stuff. Then if I'm out of spoons, it means straight to bed and to stay there until I fall asleep only to wake the next morning.
I was approved for disability this past August. I got it on the first try, which is virtually unheard of unless you use a lawyer. But I did. With no help from a lawyer. Because my mental illness is that severe. Severe enough to lead to 12 psych hospitalizations and 4 suicide attempts in less than a year with a total of 16 psych hospitalizations and 5 suicide attempts since I was 15. Symptoms since I was in elementary school but no care received until I was 15. It's so hard for me to accept that my mental illness is that severe that disability took less than 6 months to approve my case and was on the first try.
Because I'm on disability I can only work so much - which is a good thing because I need to be able to be flexible with the amount that I work otherwise I use all my spoons before the day even gets started.
But right now, even not working full time, I use my spoons up during the week mainly with work and taking care of my animals. This means that things like housework, laundry, and even showering don't happen as often as they need to. Right now that means once a week shower. No housework done at all which means my apartment is a disaster and means that the floor in my apartment is barely visible and is like walking through a maze. I have no clean dishes. But I don't have the spoons to use to clean it up. That means that I did laundry twice in December, once in January and have yet to do it this month, yet I have a pile of dirty clothes on the floor and no spoons to do that either. It means school, even though I'm a full time student is put on the back burner. Luckily I have teachers who are understanding and work with me and I have accommodations that gives me extra time to complete my assignments.
When I use more spoons than I have during the week, it means my spoons for the weekend are extremely limited. Sometimes that means I'm lucky if I get out of bed other than to use the bathroom. That means I don't go to church. I haven't been to church in over a month. Because I don't have the spoons to get myself ready and drive to church and socialize with people and act like things are okay when clearly I'm just managing to do the basic necessities in life.
So I use my energy to do things that I know will give my life enough meaning to keep me going. I use my energy to love on the kids at work and love on my animals at home. If I chose to use my spoons only on things like keeping my apartment clean and laundry done then I don't do things in life that give it meaning.
Priorities.
Mental illness makes me prioritize and realize in the long run, it doesn't matter really how clean my apartment is or if laundry is done. What matters is that I'm impacting little lives - both human and animal. And that is worth using my spoons for.
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